Towers at the End of the World

Here is the story I told around the campfire at the End of the World festival.  Before I get to that, you all should know, strangers are welcomed warmly, there is whiskey, a fabulous bonfire, and story telling at the end of the world.  <3

Once upon a time... there was a woman -- as she was out walking one day, she saw across a field a tower.  She was seized with a desire to climb the tower, so off she strode across the field.  

As she walked, fear and self doubt joined her. "It's too tall a tower, you can't do it.  Why would you even want to try?  Who do you think you are anyway, climbing a tall tower like that?  This isn't your field, you know.  You are probably trespassing."  As she walked, and they harangued, she had a realization that all the gods, the goddesses, the heroes that walk into battle with fear and mayhem and chaos... they may not only bring those things with them to aid them in the battle, they may also be feeling these things in their own hearts.  She said to fear and self doubt, "You can come with me, but you're riding shotgun and you are to aid and abet MY interests now." They simmered down a little at that, having been recognized and allowed to accompany her.  Now and again at a bump or a dip in a field they'd pipe up though.

She reached the tower and went in.  At each step she took, she folded a tiny paper crane (one tiny crane goes on the fire).  Each 1:1.  Each team meeting.  Each meeting with a boss, with product and program managers (starting with handfuls of cranes on to the fire), each presentation, each company meeting, each meeting with directors, each meeting with vice presidents, each step all the way to the top of the tower.

At the top of the tower she stepped out into the air.  In the far away distance she could see another tower.  Or maybe it was a mountain, at this distance it was hard to tell.  Between here and there it was only fog.  She couldn't see the bottom of the tower over the edge, nor the lands that lay between her and the next tower.  

And then the staircase on the inside of the tower started crumbling.  As it fell, she realized she couldn't go back the way she came up.  And then the outside edges of the tower started crumbling.  She took a deep breath and stepped off the edge of the tower (all the rest of the cranes go on the fire at once).  It is unknown whether all the cranes set free eased her landing with the lightness of their wings, or whether, untethered, they flew off into the sky.  As she hit free fall, she sang her people's daily practice:

At the edge of the world, I gaze at the moon

Light and shadow reflect light and shadow.

My heartbeat is magic, mystery enfolds me,

As I am blessed, I bless the world.

ALL THE WORDS

I have had ALL THE WORDS lately. It's been sort of awkward.  I go from not having words, to having so many that it overwhelms me and is possibly sort of overwhelming to be on the receiving end of.  I'm writing everywhere. Here, my old blog, my journal, a reflection practice, a gratitude practice, a side-project I'm working on, a couple paper and pen journals...

The need to prioritize all the words, so that I convey the most important information first, so I convey only what is necessary because there is not time for it all, is hard -- I don't always know what the most important things are until after I've started emptying my teacup.  My teapot is spilling all over the floor -- no mere teacup can hold it.  Again I hear the echoes of any number of people -- 'you're too much!  What am I going to do with/about you?'

I need to learn to step into and own my multitudes.  If I am to be too much, then accept my bigness and don't try to cut me down into something manageable for your tiny minds!  I AM LARGE, I CONTAIN MULTITUDES.  And yet... and yet, I don't wish to overwhelm.   It is a conundrum, no?

“Trust me, I'm telling you stories. ... I can change the story. I am the story.” ― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

The End of the World

At the end of November, I am doing the End of the World event with the Wyrd Sisters. "Workshops on storytelling and the Tarot will be part of the festival experience." I received an email yesterday saying,

To start getting ready, if you so desire, in your meditations start contemplating the world’s end and (optionally) rebeginning. Contemplate legends and myths about the beginning and end of the world, and how those relate to your life. What are your own stories around the end of the world?

Worlds are ending and beginning every day right now, new æons beginning.  Each death brings with it the realization that each day brings the need to define a new "normal" -- and with quiet reflection of loss, there are some holes that simply can't be filled.  Space. New space to breath into.  And even the universes collide, the spiral dance twists in on itself, then out again.

Redefinition of self, no longer the hot destructive flame of burn out, but the long slow simmer of transformation, picking things one or two at a time from the crucible of personal alchemy and examining it -- is it part of the crucible, or is it part of the stuff the crucible contains?  What happens at the end of the world, which world?  Am I the container? Is the world the container? Or is the world the stuff in the container?  Does the crucible itself come to an end?

Abide - dissolve - continue.  

Calcinate - dissolve - separate - conjunct - ferment - distill - coagulate.

Teacher, in compassion, bless me. Bless me that I may cut the illusory visions of the bardo. Bless me that I may reconnect to emptiness and awareness.

The end of the world is now. And now. And now. And now.  And the beginning of the world is now. And now. And now.

I'm sure I'll have more thoughts to come.  This is just what I'm thinking about this morning...

Collecting My Thoughts

Aaaaaand Bast came and fetched her home. 19.5 years was a very good run. 

Her actual full name was Vespula Beltane, as we got her at 4 weeks, which would have made her birthday around May 1.  So it's fitting that she come in as a witchy kitty & go out seasonally appropriately as well. 

I did my closing ritual with her this morning and put Bast in the West (Athena was like, yeah, not my trip, man, it's cool), and just as I was finishing, the sky lightened, the clouds broke in the west and there was blue sky for a little bit. It went back to grey after a bit, but that was a nice way for her to be welcomed home.

As a physicist somewhere would remind us, her energy is not gone, just less well organized. I will miss that weird little cat glowering at me every night during my bath.  It's so so so quiet tonight without this tiny, deaf, half blind, senile old lady cat who ruled our pride for nearly 20 years yelling about something randomly.  So quiet.

And I am both tremendously relieved that she's gone and miss her tremendously.  It was time, but nearly 20 years is such a time marker.  I look back at pictures of when she was young, and we were so young.  A lot happens in 20 years.  Truly the end of an era.  

Thank you for blessing us, little cat.

The Grand Dame during better times.

Wilderness

This post on Wild Gods has been rattling around my brain-cage since I read it. The last paragraphs resonate so so so strongly. Consider this a placeholder -- I have thoughts that are coagulating and coalescing but nothing structured enough to articulate coherently *quite* yet...

The whole point of wilderness is that it’s a place we don’t know, because we have never been there no matter how many times we enter the forest... wilderness is the way. Not knowing is the way. The act of seeking is the way. The way is not made for us, it simply is, and it is up to us to follow it or not.

Go read the whole article.

The wilderness can be not only 'out there' in the forest and woods and trees and desserts, but also 'welcome to the jungle' GnR style of the craziness of entering the polis like Gilgamesh too -- the place we don't know. I often feel somewhat feral, left too long to my own devices and the inside of my own head. The familiarities and abject dangers of "nature" equally wild as the cognitive dissonance it takes me, too often, to process the jungle of humanity.

Where does your wilderness lie?
Where does your way lie?

Observations

On a less personal and more observational note ~ So aside from being in the front row and a little bit nervous about that because the majority of the appropriate congregation ritual response was happening behind me, having a front row observation point for the (very Catholic) ceremony was really interesting from a theoretical perspective (brought up Lutheran, have identified as witch since the mid/late 80s).  Very hard, of course, from the personal perspective, I ended up sitting where it felt like the giant photo of my nephew at the front was looking right at me, which was very eery.  

But back to the theoreticals -- since we're talking about elements, in an effort to keep somewhat grounded, I was looking for how the elements appear in the ritual.  

Fire is obvious in the candles. And it being the Catholic church, of course they had the little place that probably has a name I don't know where you can light a candle.  Outside, there was a huge 'cave' with Mary, and there were candles you could light out there too.  M2 lit one out there, but was too nervous/teary eyed in the church to leave my side.  For context, this is all happening on the campus of a Jesuit university and everything that goes along with that.  So, there's fire.   

Fire and air mix with the charcoal and incense.  So, counting that as air, but the church was ginormous, so it also had a very airy feeling generally.  Lots of space.

Water too was relatively easy to find, in the water shaker thing, that probably has a name I don't know, as well as the holy water at the back of the church, baptismal font, etc.  

Earth stumped me for a bit, but then I saw all kinds of earth.  Marble, flowers (so many flowers)... Not so much "earthy" earth stuff as solid forms.  The altar was very solid appearing.  The architecture was very solid around the edges.  So that was a fascinating exercise. 

The priest did a good job of recognizing that there were a lot of non-Catholics present and explaining parts of the ceremony in a way that was both informative but that melded beautifully with the service itself. He did a really nice job of 'here is why and how we do this' providing context and meaning to something that might have been otherwise empty ritual.  "In the Catholic funerary tradition we bless the remains because all humans are special and sacred in God's eyes," etc. 

There is a deep deep beauty about much of it, but the layers of patriarchy & 'you are sinful and you should feel really really bad about it' that are present almost overwhelms any of the potential for joy around the life everlasting, the generosity of willing sacrifice and love, and the grace and appreciation of having those sins absolved.  It's quite a conflict to hold in oneself.  Two such disparate spaces to maintain -- 'I am not good enough, but I am so deeply loved that... I'm good enough'?   And perhaps that's a fundamentally necessary part of the mystery component of the personal gnosis of the Christian faith, the transformative core.  

I will likely be an observer of the Christian church for the rest of my life as the dominant religious paradigm of the larger social networks within which I live.  I cannot subscribe to the faith in good faith for more reasons than I wish to go into here.  I feel like my thoughts here are being left unresolved, like I should have a summary about what it means to be observing these things from the outside.  But I don't have the words to articulate it right now. Perhaps another time.

....

Perhaps it is this:  our challenge as spiritual people, whatever our non/denomonation, whatever our personal and community practice is, our challenge as priest/ess/ex (or dedicant, or aspirant), is to identify what is good, what is right, what is beautiful and with care and love incorporate the *essence* of what works (care and love preclude inappropriate appropriation -- the difference as the Dali Lama notes is that you *pick* a flower you like, you *water* a flower you love.  Just because you like something doesn't mean it's yours to practice...).  It may be beyond my capability to articulate this message of inclusion of The Good, while making clear the boundaries where Good becomes Bad -- but they're there.  There is a deep spiritual yearning, and it is the role of the priest/ess/ex to help guide people to and through that yearning.  

Loss & Grief

My nephew (husband's side of the family) committed suicide a week ago.  Almost 24 years to the date my aunt (my side of the family) did the same.

Here is what I'm thinking right now around things relevant to this particular blog.  

I think memorials and setting aside time for grieving with family and friends (blood, chosen, or otherwise) is critical for recognizing grief, celebrating a life even if it was too short, and processing loss.  

And I think it's important for our kids as I... I want them to see and experience the rip in the fabric of the universe that a suicide leaves as a preventive measure.  You never take that lightly again after you've seen a shattered community after something like this.  As much as I hate that this is a real thing that has happened, goddamn it, I think we should absorb the result as much as humanly possible and make the repercussions and difficulties of coping as human as possible because to do otherwise is to deny the full experience of the pain of losing someone in such an untimely way.  It's ok to show that this is difficult because it *is* fucking difficult.  And to see people appropriately grieving in the different ways that people grieve is also important.  It takes many forms and each person experiences it differently and that's also ok. 

I want them to understand that healing begins with us all coming together to alleviate the alone-ness: of what we feel in the moment of hearing the news. Of what he must have felt to not be able to reach out and find the help he needed.  Of the hole left in the universe where he used to be. 

I know our oldest has had some exposure to suicide by students attending her school in the last couple years, but this is new for our youngest and... to see and grieve and understand the repercussions to family and community and for them both to tell people they love that they love them and to hear that back and to take part in some of the only shared rituals that happen in this mostly secular society and a family that doesn't share ritual space often is...  It's really important.  It's part of what it means to be a part of a community, to have a connection to people.  You take part in the rituals that mark passage of both time and life both joyous and devastating.

-----------------------------

And so, for those reading along, say it out loud, right now:

"I promise to seek and find help if I feel like dying or killing myself.  I will find resources that bring me back from the brink, no matter how awkward it feels.  I will call one of these numbers:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- 1 (800) 273-8255
• Hopeline -- 1 (800) SUICIDE
•  Trans Lifeline -- US: (877) 565-8860 Canada: (877) 330-6366
•  My therapist
•  *A* therapist
•  My spiritual/pastoral advisor or other resource 
• Or any number of other resources, even if I have to Google them."

*Yes, I do not have comments open on this one. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers at this time, but for my own self-care, recognize I don't  feel like I can appropriately respond here at this time. Thanks for your understanding.

Traveling Reflections

So, trying to process what just happened, as well as intermittent quiet moments on the bus thoughts, as well as tomorrow's re-entry to work world.  I feel like I need a 2-3 month sabbatical to get my thoughts and life sorted out.  
I'm back from Ireland.  We did a Rick Steves tour around the island. It hit so much, and there seemed to be more and more packed into each day until at the end, there was sometimes three or four days worth of things to do packed into a single day.  It was good, but somewhat intense.  E.g., Giant's Causeway, Bushmills, Carrick-A-Rede ropebridge, *and* Dunluce Castle all in one day?  And then there were days where we only did a few things (stop by Yeats' grave, walking tour of Derry's medieval wall & brief explanation of Northern Irelands "Troubles" OR the day we did both Titanic and had a quick drive past the "peace" wall in Belfast and through those areas), but which demanded more processing and reflection.  

Things that stand out in reflection -- 

• How close all the buildings are together.  And how close all the graves are too.  Sometimes things seem to be practically on top of each other, they're so close together.  
• How rocky and desolate the western part is.  There are places where people were building stone walls, just to put the rocks somewhere so they can clear some useful space.  And yet -- not lifeless-- there is life in those cracks.  In the Burren, in the grikes, the cracks between the rocks, there are plants happily growing away.  What at first glance seems to be totally barren, supports all kinds of life. It stretches so far that as you drive through, it's easy to forget that it isn't all rock and rock fences, so it's a bit of a surprise when it starts ending and hedgerows start appearing again.  
• And how the green is so green after the grey of the limestone.
• That people are ingenious in their ability & drive to find solutions that will allow them to live.  That they are likewise so ruthless in their drive to overcome both nature and people who might stand in their way in both the name of survival as well as in the name of ideology.
• ...

So much more to contemplate.  I went, sort of secretly hoping for an obvious message bringing clarity to come to me. I was so immersed in the ingestion of everything new and very close quarters (and little time for reflection) that openings for receiving clarifications and direction were not as available as I had hoped.  Still in the quieter moments, things did come through.  

I feel as though I have been on the brink of needed change for some time.  It is still unclear to me as to the nature of this change except that it concerns the need to find a way to be comfortable in my skin, a sense of economy of effort, at work.  My stress and focus is so high around my present way of being in relation to the work I do, that it cannot be sustained.  My ratio of effort to outcome is way too high.  And although on the surface, it may appear to be "the perfect job for me", I have a growing sense that it is not a good fit.  The complications start, as they do, when I try to identify what 'better fit' looks like.  

I (mostly) felt in my skin with a balanced economy of effort on vacation.  There were, of course, moments of tension, but five introverts living in close proximity will tend to generate some of that with the days going as they did. All things considered, it was remarkably smooth. 

How to keep beginner's mind, while assuming the mantle of authority?  How to create space for reflection and consideration in the face of immediacy?  How to accurately name and acknowledge emerging issues in such a way that they can be resolved without adding additional layers of complexity?  How many more questions in my head?

If I could make a living for a while with spinning & weaving, I would.  Alas, that math has not been conducive given my relatively slow pace of production (although ritual cord spun according to astrological and other specifications, with specific intent during the spinning, plying, and potential coloring? Prayer shawls woven similarly? Is an entertaining idea to consider on occasion).  But that's neither here nor there.   

Cannot process all things today... but looking for something that I can grasp as I return to the world of routine that has been less than optimal.   For today I take these things:

• Economy of effort.  Do not burn too hot, little fire, burn steady. 
• *Make* space for reflection and consideration, even in the face of immediacy.  
• Ask the beginner questions.  Beginner's mind is to be treasured.  

Wheel of the Year

Ohhhhhh thheeeeeeeeeeeee
Wheel of the Year turns round and round,
Round and round,
Round and round,
Oh the Wheel of the Year turns round and round,
All through time!

M1 asked me last night why she's considered a summer baby as mid-September is totally Fall territory in our minds.  I told her it's because we've lost the cross-quarter days of an agricultural calendar & the general population is confused and calls June 21st, Summer Solstice, "The first day of summer," when in fact it's mid-summer, (hence it's other name, 'mid-sommer').  May 1st/Beltane is the first day of summer, and spring begins way back in February as the days slowly begin to be noticeably longer, and (some) seeds and bulbs start germinating in time for mid-spring to be in March at the Vernal Equinox.

Yes, that means that fall is upon us, in August!  The second major harvest festival of the year! And we have another two harvest festivals -- Autumnal Equinox to catch the dog days of summer, and Halloween where we thank our ancestors and all for another year of harvests, & put the earth to bed.  And winter begins after Halloween when the cold, damp darkness hunkers down for the year.

But because we've lost the observation of the quarter days as seasonal changes (rather than religous and festive dates), we have this silly thing where summer begins at midsommer & winter waits all the way until the longest night of the year to say, "ok, now it's srs bizness."

Another thing we discussed was people are allowed to have their opinions.  Their opinions may be wrong, but they're allowed to have them.  :)

And still the Wheel of the Year spins round & round...

Teacups

My leadership coach thoughtfully provided me with a parable the last time we talked 1:1.  It was this:

A business man trying to get to the next level in his business tried everything he knew of and was not making progress.  He asked everyone he knew and no one could help.  Finally he met someone who told him of a faraway master who could solve anyone's problem, be it love, health, business, or anything else.  The man thought to himself, "I will go see this master, perhaps he can help me.  So he travelled across the sea, he travelled through the desert, he travelled through the mountains until finally he came to the master.  The master asked, "What have you come to me for?"  The man explained why he had travelled so far.  The master said, "You are not yet ready.  Come back again when you are ready."

Mystified, the man left.  He travelled back home, back through the mountains, back through the desert, back across the sea.  He went back to work, wondering what he was missing that would make him ready.  He worked very hard for many months.  After these months, he thought surely he was ready now.  So he gathered his travel plans, he travelled across the sea, he travelled across the desert,  he travelled through the mountains, until he again came to the master.  "Master, I am returned, I believe I am ready now."  The master looked into his eyes, paused, and said, "Go away.  You are not yet ready."

Perplexed and a little upset, the man left again.  He travelled back home, back through the mountains, back through the desert, back across the sea.  He went back to work, wondering what was missing that would make him ready.  He worked very hard for many more months.  After these many more months, he thought surely I am ready now.  So again, perhaps with more trepidation this time, he gathered his travel plans, he travelled across the sea, he travelled across the desert, he travelled through the mountains until he came to the master.  He said, "Master, I am returned.  I believe I am ready now."  The master looked into his eyes, paused, and again said, "Go away, you are not yet ready."  

The man said, "Master, with all due respect -- what do I need to do to be ready to even receive an understanding of the steps I must take?  It is expensive and frustrating to come this far only to be told I am not ready!"  The master said, "You are not ready, but let us take some tea together."  The man thought, "Finally!  We are getting somewhere!"   

They sat down to tea.  The master, as the host, bid the man, as his guest, pour himself a cup first.  Then the master poured his own cup, and then reached over to pour more tea into the man's cup.  The man's cup was already full though, and the tea started spilling on the table.  Still the master kept pouring.  The man said, "You are spilling the tea, what are you doing!?"  Still the master poured.  The man jumped up and away from the table to keep the tea from spilling on his clothes, saying, "Why do you continue pouring, the teacup is full and the tea is spilling off the table!?"  The master finished emptying the teapot, sat it back on the table, leaned back and looked at the man.  He looked deep into his eyes and said, "When you come to me, you cannot hear what I have to say because you come with a full mind.  Until you empty your mind, you cannot hear what I have to say anymore than the teacup could accept any more tea.  Anything I said would have been lost on you, like the tea on the table."

She told me this story with a specific intent (of course).  I had been telling her that someone I met with seemed not to ever want to listen to me.  Besides the obvious of sending this individual a prioritized agenda ahead of time so they would be able to prepare on the topics of importance, she said, sometimes people need to empty their minds before you can get to the matter at hand.  Let them empty their teacup.  It might take 45 minutes to an hour the first time you meet, maybe a half hour the next time you meet, and so on.  Some people need to empty their teacups before they are ready to discuss in a collaborative way, so best to let them empty their teacup.

This has been very useful.  When my introvert daughter started talking the other night, I committed myself to letting her empty her teacup.  She and I talked for four hours.  When I wanted to interrupt to share something, I reminded myself, she needs to empty her teacup first... My quiet girl has maybe a teahouse going on, many teacups. My younger extrovert girl empties her teacups all the time rather than building a house out of them.  Often still tea everywhere, but that is how she connects.

In accordance with my pledge several months ago, I have found a therapist.  She asked me if I share things with my friends the day after my leadership coach shared this parable with me.  I said, "I have some friends, that I share... some things... with..."  I often feel though as though my friends come to me to empty their teacups, but that teacup emptying is not reciprocal and that they do not want me to share either my tea or empty my teacup.  Often I opt not to, because like my oldest daughter, I have a virtual teahouse at my disposal stored away and I have much to share that I want to share.  Often I opt not to because... Often I opt not to because I perceive their troubles are weightier than mine and I should not add mine to theirs.  Or sometimes it feels awkward to share something lighthearted after hearing something sorrowful or difficult.  Or simply, I start and it becomes obvious to me that while they wanted to empty their teacup with me, they don't really want me to empty my teacup.  Sometimes I know that people want me to share my tea and empty my teacup with them, and because I so often feel pressure not to share my tea or empty my teacup, I find it very difficult to do so.

For now this sits as an observation.  If you feel I am not emptying my teacup or sharing my tea (I suppose, and you'd like me to), be patient, ask some leading questions.  I may not have answers to your deepest questions, you may not have answers to mine, but come to my teahouse and share in my tea and empty your teacup and I may empty mine.  (If I don't, it's probably because I'm trying to figure out quite how if you seem reciprocal. It's complicated.)

May Madrigals

As often happens with blogs, IRL has kept me busy this month. My life has changed, the repercussions yet to be determined.  I think it's all for the best.  It is hard for me to be both in action and reflective enough to support spending much time writing. Not that reflection hasn't been happening, reflection and processing have absolutely been happening, just that the written recording of those processes have not been happening.  The thought of how much writing that would have been is rather overwhelming!

In the meantime, the aspirants have had their ethics and warding/safety classes.  They went well. Nice group of folks.  I like the discussions.

We're almost at the mid-point of the year.  I've been joking with my boss that it's nearly the end of 2015 since the beginning of the year because time passes so quickly, and yet, here we are and the first half flew by, as it does.  Yeah, yeah -- barely a month until summer solstice, but that's a matter of days in quick succession.  The wheel turns faster and faster.

It's a thing, this wheel of time.  And sometimes all the things it contains are too big to find words for.  Silence does not indicate a lack of activity, but rather the opposite.

Queen Bees & Their Hives

So, I was talking through this with Yeshe Rabbit with whom I presented a class on ethics this past weekend.  As we were going through feedback, she said, "I think one area that you don't need to "improve" but might need permission to "enact" is in projecting confidence as a leader. You did great in being receptive and kind. You also deserve to know that you are allowed to "be in charge.”

This is part of why I'm doing the leadership workshops I'm doing -- to figure that piece of things out because It's A Thing.

Bees came up as an analogy — 

• I posited that Queen Bee is just another role in the hive (a pretty unique one, but a role that someone's got to fill none-the-less), 
• She countered that Queen Bee is a primary essential part of creating the “ground of bee-ing” for the hive (I love the concept of 'ground of bee-ing!), 
• I noted that hives can and do expel queens they don’t like and can raise & install new queens
• PROCESSING:
• Going from worker bee to queen is complicated: cannot approach from the side for validation from others as having done the right thing.  There is a queenly way to gather this feedback appropriately, and that’s something I need to figure out from essentially a hierarchical rather than lateral or serving space.
• Exposure and queen-ness as ‘just another role’ and one that I happen to be filling does not provide the internal source of validation and I am looking externally for validation.
•  Though leadership as service really resonates with me, I’m not sure it’s doing me a service right now, as it were, as I have been applying it as the concept of putting everyone else “first”. A woman hit on it during the workshop Sunday — she's in the military & she noted that they really drill into you ‘mission first, unit next, self at the bottom, supporting all the rest’.  And maybe that’s really effective for men (questionably, granted), but for women who have societal role of nurturer who are expected to put their needs last already and are taught to seek external verification/validation/approval often at the expense of their own authority…  I think I might need to own my big sister bossiness (in moderation, and if I may shift analogies for a moment) for a bit or something.
• The other piece that stuck out going back to the hive metaphor was that idea of the hive rejecting the queen or at least making her life really unpleasant by being unsupportive.  Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, BUT if the little girls aren’t happy, probably ain’t mama happy either… So there is some degree of need for acceptance in there as well, both of being ‘part of the hive’ but alsoof being the queen.
• And figuring out how to collaboratively create that functional ‘ground (or hive) of bee-ing’ while retaining the organizational role & responsibility accorded to being the queen and owning my decisions with internal validation (and accurate discernment & identification of when external validation is also appropriate).

Having brained it, the next trick I’ll have to figure out is in the appropriate embodiment of what that all means in vivo rather than in vitro (or caput).  As well as in figuring out where the analogy breaks down and iterating until the edges smooth out...

And now I’m going to go watch Eddie Izzard & his piece on bees again because aaaaaaaahhhhh beeeeeeeees!

Words Mean Something

Chronology, the time which changes things, makes them grow older, wears them out, and manages to dispose of them, chronologically, forever. 

Thank God there is kairos too: again the Greeks were wiser than we are. They had two words for time: chronos and kairos. 

Kairos is not measurable. Kairos is ontological. In kairos we are, we are fully in isness, not negatively, as Sartre saw the isness of the oak tree, but fully, wholly, positively. Kairos can sometimes enter, penetrate, break through chronos: the child at play, the painter at his easel, Serkin playing the Appassionata are in kairos. The saint in prayer, friends around the dinner table, the mother reaching out her arms for her newborn baby are in kairos. The bush, the burning bush, is in kairos, not any burning bush, but the particular burning bush before which Moses removed his shoes; the bush I pass by on my way to the brook. In kairos that part of us which is not consumed in the burning is wholly awake.

--Madeleine L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet 

Words mean something. They do, they surely do.

 I talked a little about the Be, Do, Have framework in my reflections from my first Leadership workshop last month.

As Yeshe Rabbit & I were talking through the Distance Aspirant Ethics plan for this weekend, thinking about one of the exercises triggered something in my head that I thought I would try and see what happens.

Part of what I've included in my daily practice is requesting assistance for some very specific qualities that I need to embody.  "Please help me..."  "Please grant me..."  Looking for these things as if they would come to me from outside me.  As I was thinking about the framework of this exercise we'd set up, I thought about the "is-ness" of it (am-ness?) and it occurred to me that I should see how that changes the feel of my daily practice, especially since the exercise we're proposing for them will also become part of my daily practice.

It sounds mundane, but the difference between 'Please help me find the keys...' and 'I am the key...' or 'please grant me wisdom, strategy, and strength' and 'I am wise, strategic, and strong' is tremendous.  I look forward to seeing how this tiny-not-tiny change in language ripples out into the world.

It's little things, the difference between intellectual and experiential knowing in the practical application of known things.  The difference between changing happenings from chronological to ontological time.

Writings from Writing From The Spirit Retreat

Stone meditation:

• The big soft-edged grey stone that called to me from the edge of the curb near the canal. It is a little bigger than my hand and so solid & grounding. Scraped from where the different tires had pushed it along the road & curb-sides.
• It called out to me, the perfect rock, perfect in its imperfections, holding it’s essence though under what seemed like less than optimal circumstances. It called out to me to take it home.
• It’s heaviness is grounding. So solid, brigs me back in the flurry of uncertainty -- that airy, drifting disconnect.
• It tells me secrets of the alchemists — it is not what goes into the crucible, that is the essence of the being. All the magic that happens in the crucible is possible because of the boundaries of the crucible. The boundaries keep the elements of magic within appropriate proximity to act and react and merge and separate. The crucible retains the boundaries and allows magic to happen within but it remains consistent at the end, whatever else has been going on.

It’s an alchemically philosophical rock!? Then again, it was the one that called to me to bring it home...

• The crucible is the vessel that carries, can be rinsed clean, and is what always remains.
• Through transformation, we can add things to our crucible, to our stone soup pot, to our vessels ourselves, but the transformations that stand up to time are the transformations that rinse us clean, back to our essential natures. “What is essential is invisible to the eye.” (St. Exupery).
• Transformation through the elimination and removal of our limiting beliefs. The false stories we tell ourselves about who we are, that sometimes we don’t even know are false. When we become wrapped up with having and doing rather than authentic being.
• The final message of the rock:
  Shed your limiting beliefs and transform by going back to that which is essential to your being.

Thank you, rock, for grounding me today and last fall. Thank you for reminding me that the essence of being is that which is immutable and that which remains when all else is washed away.

———

Writing for me is a practice of processing. Human beings are ‘sense makers’ (or at least some of us lean that way). We want to know why things happen. What just happened. What’s going to happen. Does it make sense? All of the religions in the world, all of the divination systems in the world, all of the beliefs in the world (limiting and freeing) are stories we tell ourselves to try to help us make sense of the world.

Sometimes the world is non-sensical. Things don’t always happen “for a reason” or the things that happen are incomprehensible. Sometimes we try to apply a framework to those stories that don’t fit, trying to make sense of them according to something that has helped us make sense before but is not appropriate now, and may not have been appropriate then. Sometimes that leads to more nonsense or guilt or harmful/not right action. Sometimes our frameworks require review and adaptation and correction.

I write to make sense. To take the strands and ends, the odds & sods that appear in my brain, and lay them out in front of me. To take the jumbled pieces and see what patterns appear in front of me. Sometimes my stories are correct and true, and sometimes they are colored by my perceptions and application of frameworks and my limited perspective. Sometimes I need to process as best I can to keep trying to move forward.

———

Alas, I missed the next writing exercise — life is what happens while you’re making other plans.

———

Yeshe Tsogyal writing meditation:

• Perfect memory — that memory that surfaces what needs to be surfaced, correctly in the correct moment.
• Bees bringing wisdom to and from the flowers.
• Watching the incense rise and curl in a sun beam, being and knowing in the moment.
• I’m sort of mesmerized and distracted by the curls of incense. The shades of blues and greys, twisting in the rays of the sun.

…

• She says,
  Being and knowing in the moment. It’s ok sometimes to just be. And know. Let it be.

On Leadership

"Leadership is not just required from people in leadership positions, it is required of every one. -- Katrina Messenger

Thursday was the first day of a course I'm taking called Mastering Leadership.  Ostensibly it's mostly work-related, but also kinda not.  The first video they showed was this one:
http://youtu.be/uAy6EawKKME. It's by Dwayne Dudly on Leadership Everywhere and you should go watch it because it's good.  You never know when you are going lead someone somewhere they didn't know they needed to go.

Much of the rest of the course will be about self-awareness, acting in accordance with that self-awareness with intention, and accountability.  For folks who are part of CAYA, this should sound like a familiar refrain.

We started with a minute of mindfulness.  A "check in".  I can't remember if there was a minute of reflection at the end, but there was a corresponding "check out".

In my practice, right action requires clarity of intent & accountability, at least to myself, often to many others.  I think this is going to be a good course.  And it is obvious that it will be applicable to so much more than just work.  The tricky dynamics of work will be where results are first and initially most powerfully observed, but, as leadership does, I have no doubt that it will appear elsewhere in my life as well.  Already I'm testing theories, and had a tentative confirmation of theory.

It seems a little orthogonal to what this blog is ostensibly about, but... not really.  CAYA's Ground of Being is Joyful Service.  A leader is just someone helping a bunch of people get to where they're going.  My other Joyful Service is in connecting people with the information they need to make changes in the world.  In their lives. In The World.  Librarianship is, I think, a calling as much as any other calling.  I do librarianship sort of in a background sort of way, by enabling access to electronic resources, and at this point I do that by leading and coordinating teams of people to assist in that end goal.

One of the early discussion points Thursday was about approach to life.  There are three ways you can approach life.  (There might be a humorous fourth, but it seemed a group serious about their participation and I didn't feel it would be appropriate to bring it up in the moment...).

• Do-Have-Be: I do this, so I can have that, so I can be something (being follows doing/having).
• Have-Do-Be: I have this, so I can do that, so I can be something (being follows having/doing).
• Be-Do-Have: I am something so I do this which brings me that (being provides what one does/has).
• (The fourth is Do-Be-Do-Be-Do & it's a song and a dance of a life).

I am ever so curious to see where this journey leads.  I am ever so curious to see what this year brings.

I Commit

From Yeshe Rabbit: Ritual for Women's History Month (March)

http://yesherabbit.squarespace.com/way-of-the-rabbit-contemplation/2015/3/2/womens-history-month-ritual-can-you-commit-to-women

In addition to and in alignment with the ritual that Yeshe Rabbit has come up with, I have a couple of investments and commitments that I am making as well. I am towards the outer edges of introverted. In business astrology Meyers Briggs, I come up consistently IN, the last two letters are variations on TJ (most often) and FP (less often). In DiSC, I come up outer edge central C. None of these tend to be the majority in leadership positions, and yet here I am in my day to day. 

Big investment/commitment #1 (only in the sense that I'm talking about this first) is that I have signed up for a Mastering Leadership program to help me work through all the stuff that goes along with being a strong and intentional leader as well as give my career a kick it needs. I am also paying out of pocket for it which is sort of an oof and definitely a glad I have an annual bonus to pull that from!

Big commitment #2, I have long sort of suspected that I'm on that border where introversion meets social anxiety but also sort of worried that there are so many people with "real" issues that mine weren't really that bad... One of my coping habits is compulsive (obsessive?) info gathering and organization -- conveniently useful in my chosen field! A couple of long time friends are in clinical year/prep for final boards to become counselors, so I swallowed a lot of 'oh god, so awkward!' and talked to them as part of that info gathering coping. That in and of itself was a huge first step. I don't want to be defined by something like this. I've spent a big part of my life swallowing my fear and anxiety, trying to push myself to just do things anyway. It has often paid off well enough that I find it worth it to continue to challenge myself in this way -- see also: my first commitment above. Their unanimous advice after asking a bunch of questions was GO SEE YOUR PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER YESTERDAY. So that was an interesting response, I thought. I thought I "just" needed some tools to process through and modify thinking and behavioral patterns (and I don't think anyone would disagree), but apparently there can be a physiological component too. So, after sitting with things procrastinating like a mofo (avoidance being one of my less productive coping responses) for a couple weeks, today I made an appointment with my doctor, right after getting off the phone from doing the screening call for the leadership program.

I'm committing to take care of me. I've given so many women at work the advice that they *must* get the oxygen mask on for themselves prior to trying to get it on other people while at the same time finding myself masking (successfully and NOT) gasping for air as I try to navigate complicated and ambiguous passages with no air.  I committed about six months ago to stop bullying myself for not living up to my own impossibly high standards. I say weird things. I can't word or brain sometimes, to the point that one of the managers that reports to me and I have running jokes about it (he's got some similar but different stuff going on). Me and my monkey brain are still working on this, identifying triggers, and trying to be kind to myself when I recognize that something has set me off. Trying to remember that the stuff that I say that is so totally something only I would say is part of what I bring to the world in being a uniquely contributing human being.

I don't share this information about myself lightly. I don't want to be social anxiety girl. I don't want to build a community around me that gives me a pass because I'm terrified. I don't want to be terrified. I'm not a survivor because I'm not a victim. I am working towards an improved, more intentional me. I just have some shit to take care of and I have some human elements that I will always have and will always need to consider mitigation strategies for. I'm ok being an introvert, I need to transcend the anxiety stuff though.

This is big magic, complex alchemy. It is staring my shadow in the face, meeting it eye to eye and getting to know it so well that I can move from responding via reflex to making considered choices. This is the path to enlightenment. And every day, my commitment to myself is that I will chop the wood, carry the waters of self care. I will get my oxygen mask on first as best I can manage and then move on to tending to others. I will show myself compassion when the right words are hard to connect outside my brain moving a million miles a minute with my mouth that is too often struck dumb as if it isn't connected. And because I Will, I will. In Love: for myself, my community of women, for the world.
http://youtu.be/Lm38Ojh61lY

February's Silent Moon

Seems like forever.  Doesn't it always?

Random thoughts:

• We have moved from being Aspirants to Dedicants.  We'll meet later this month to talk about the upcoming year.  It was pretty well perfect with the usual attendant "whoops, we're online" glitches, taken in stride, as you do.  Hail to the Elements.
• Nike has been sweet to my girls.  Thank you Nike!
• The moon was so bright last night I wondered if I was going to be able to get to sleep.  I did, eventually.  But it was a beautiful night for Mother of the New Time and various other things that happened along those lines.
• From Yeshe Rabbit & CAYA:  We recognize February as the Silent Moon. How can we find silent time to restore and regenerate our enthusiasm for our lives/work/relationships? 
• So needed.  With crazy busy (and awesome) kids, this becomes ever more complicated until my little fledglings fly (which seems way closer than it should be for the oldest, and yet... here we are... two and a half years from it!).  I've been taking the time at night after everyone is in bed. After getting everyone to bed.  It makes for late nights, short nights, and hard mornings.  Mornings are hard enough, but... I need time.  Unwinding, just being, reading, letting things process on the back burner...  I'm a night owl by nature, so it's the easiest time for me.  But it's easy to drift in the evenings and not restore/regenerate.
  
  For now it will have to be grabbing bits and pieces as I come to them.  Weaving is nice, the rhythmic thunk as the heddles shift.  It goes so quickly with fabric scraps.  I may have enough of the little girl tights to do another floor mat.  The hardest part is setting up the loom, the warping of the thread, then dressing the loom with the warp, threading the heddles then slaying the reed.  Oof.  But then it's back to the thunk, shuttle, thunk, shuttle.  For the upcoming regional swim meet, I will probably start a new knitting project to take with me.  I have So Much Yarn in my freezer.  I used to try to make something as I spun fiber up, but I enjoy spinning most of all, and somehow got away from that idea.  And the possibilities with a loom are broader in terms of using old clothes to make new mat sorts of things.  But since I enjoy spinning, I need to use that up too.  ALL THE PROJECTS!  These things are restorative and regenerative for me.
  
  Also restorative/regenerative is journaling.  Sometimes.  Just getting it out.  I journal like I blog though -- sort of intermittently.  Cuing of things (like this) helps somewhat though. 
• Last night on our way home from dropping M2's friend off from their choir rehearsal, as we drove past the park on the hill, a fat happy bunny scooted across the road in front of us, causing the entire car of us to break out in coos of "aww, bunneh!  Go bunneh, go go go!  Look at the fuzzy little bunneh butt!  And the fuzzy little bunneh ears!  Bunnehhhhhhhh!"  Bunneh.  

And now to carry on.  I think that's the majority of the battle in finding the silent recovery/restorative/regenerative/rejuvinative spaces -- there's always something I *should* be doing... taking that language and recognizing it's often *could* be doing, and prioritizing the important silences and spaces in is critical for survival.

Light and Hope

1.)  In the last aspirant session, we did a meditation on our allies through/of the elements.  All of them came out to say 'hi' as we explored.  When we got to the fifth element, spirit/service, the Raven Stealing the Sun, Moon, and Stars appeared for me.  In this story there is a man hoarding all light from the earth, and so everyone must live in darkness.  There are, of course, variant tales, sometimes Raven releases everything at once, sometimes the stars first, then the moon, then the sun.  The gist being that Raven releases sun, moon and stars, Light, for the benefit of all people and there is rejoicing.  There are all sorts of additional entertaining details too, as with all good stories (Raven was a white bird, but the sun burned him and now he's black like charcoal, and so many other trickster details of how he got access to the box, etc). But the key takeaway within the meditation for me, with Raven as my 'ally' was that I must not hoard my light, and I must help Raven release light where I find it whether that's my own light, or to help show someone else's light (e.g., bring to light contributions, etc), planning will likely be required in order to accomplish this.

2.)  The first CAYA full moon of 2015 women's circle ritual invite read:

In this ritual of yearning, we honor our yearning for knowledge, and for hope even in the face of painful facts. We welcome Pandora, whose vessel of knowledge was a considered a dangerous source of power. Knowledgeable women are dangerous women, it's true. Join us for an intimate, personal circle in which we share knowledge with one another, make offerings to She Who Knows, and receive gifts of knowledge from Pandora herself. 

Ah, another box that was "not supposed to be opened." And the result of someone stealing light/fire too!  Another box that has potential to deeply harm.  But another box too, with a gift.  A gift like Raven's gift, of light, that glimmer that shines in the dark corners when all seems lost and lights the way.  Hope.

3.)  The day after full moon, I returned to work after two full weeks off to news of layoffs in my organization.  None on my team affected, but people I know and have worked with and like (in cases where I knew them -- I assume I would like the ones I didn't know as well).    Today I awaken to news of big shooting in Paris, followed quickly by news of my childrens' school district being put on lockdown because of a reported gunman who threatened to shoot up all schools in the district. Editing to add, the bombing of NAACP in Colorado.

Welcome first full week of 2015, this is how it's going to be?

4.)  The challenge in each moment is to be present.  To be present and remember the message/s.  To be present and experience the mysteries.

Light and Hope.

Light and Hope:  May those who were laid off find new right livelihood quickly and easily and may it be better for them than what they were doing.

Light and Hope: “I’m alive. There is death all around me. Yes, I am there. The jihadists spared me.”* I am alive.  At the bottom of this box of horrors, light and hope shine in there being survivors.

Light and Hope: No one was hurt today in my children's school district.  And I hope no school, parent or child will ever go through that drill again, but light was shown on a solid procedure in place to handle such an emergency.

Light and Hope: That there are people looking critically at the news and what's making it out and what is not, and fearlessly bringing light to the stories not getting told, being left in the shadows despite profound importance, happening in our own backyards. That there are people who fight now and forever for Civil Rights.

Light and Hope. Light and Hope. Light and Hope.

In 2015, may we all find light and hope, whatever else we may encounter.

...

Footnotes:

1.) Two Raven Steals the Sun, Moon, and Stars stories:

• Raven Steals the Sun: Interview and Storytelling, American Indian Heritage Month 2013 Family Celebration of Tlingit Culture at the Smithsonian National Museum of the American Indian.:
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Yoz-VbepZU
• Raven Steals the Light: As told by Bill Reid: http://www.historymuseum.ca/cmc/exhibitions/aborig/reid/reid14e.shtml

2.) A Pandora story:

• Pandora:
  http://www.mlahanas.de/Greeks/Mythology/Pandora.html

4.*)  Quoted in the NYT, 1/7/14.