Mystery Unfolding

I know, that was last year's Daily Practice, nonetheless, it continues.  I have been granted by life a three month sabbatical in which to focus on what comes next, in the form of being laid off with 2 weeks notice & 11 week's severance.

I am trying to think big.  Way bigger than I have been.  I see jobs posted, read the descriptions, and realize that's me 10 years ago.  I see jobs posted, read the descriptions, and... I don't know who that is. Which is ok at this stage of the game. I think. First things first, I am taking some time to be introspective & reflective of how I've grown in the last seven, ten, fifteen years.  Where I have been is not where I'm going next.  If I don't take time to figure out what I want, how I want to feel, and how that's changed, I won't recognize the right thing when I see it.

Lots of work -- today's thinking led to the realization that I wanted to bring the following archetypes to help me in what comes next: thinker, collaborator, storyteller, visionary.  My default mode of operation tends to be thinker.  In order to accomplish things, I integrate collaborator.  I have other archetypes that pop in and out as well.  Storyteller is one of the archetypes that has been quietly poking at me for some time.  Being able to see and draw out the connecting threads of an existing dynamic, and pull them into something.  I'm still learning to tell a good story, but it's coming along.

And visionary.  I wanted to put this one back, but it called to be kept.  And I had a slow dawning realization that I am a visionary -- often my big crazy ideas are things that will take several years to fully implement... and for the first time, I'm realizing that's ok. It's hard for the short-sighted, and short-term thinkers.  What I need to do is accept that my vision is correct and focus the short-sighted and short-term thinkers on the tiny piece of the vision that can be accomplished in a span of time and sight that their minds can comprehend.

When I realized these developing archetypes, I wanted to run this past many people... and then I realized this validation that these things are true about me must be owned by me.  I cannot keep looking to others for validation, for their acceptance of who I am.  Just as I own my competencies, it is in my heart and a core part of who I am, so too are these archetypes.  

I find myself at the heart of the flame, I find myself in my strength...

L'Oiseau de Feu

As things often do, in retrospect it seems clear now that the cranes were not ever cranes, they were phoenixes, meant for the fire.  Their/my ashes are out there now, floating around re-congealing into something new.  There are about five new phoenixes starting to flutter about here and there...

What seems rare when people talk about burnout is the length of recovery time.  I feel a slow heat starting to burn again, but it is hard to tell if it's simmering embers of destructive burnout or the start of phoenix rising from the ashes.

I am very slowly finding pieces of myself.  I tend to rely on logic rather than feeling in assessing what comes next.  I am learning that logic only takes me so far and that means figuring out these things called feelings.  They're so complicated!   I have also relied on appreciation of things other people appreciate.  I appreciate the flavor peppers and onions bring to a dish, but I don't actually care for their texture much.  But when people rave on about some onion-y, pepper-y thing that they love, I say, 'yes, that sounds good!' despite the fact that I have no desire to eat it myself.  I am finding that I am curious and interested in all sorts of things, but articulating why I'm curious about something is elusive.  Sometimes I find it's because it's something someone else appreciates but is sort of like an onion to me, and sometimes I find that there is no why, it just is.  And sometimes the reason is clear, sometimes the reason is deeply layered.

And sometimes I find people holding space and pointing directions for a me that is not me.  "You would be, I see you, you should..." And as uncomfortable as I am in my skin now, the skin they would have me wear is often as ill fitting and not anything but the perception of a me they carry in their head.  And learning to discern their 'good idea' from a 'good idea for me.'

What I know is that recreating oneself, piece by piece, is exhausting work.  So many assumptions that must be challenged against 'is that me, or is that a piece of someone that I have adopted?' Or 'what do I feel about that?  And what's underneath that? And what's beneath even that? (Is it really turtles *alllllll* the way down?).'  And even when it becomes too much, and I just lie down, the echoes in my head are a wonderland of "Who ARE you?"

And some things are very very clear.  And some things are very very not clear.  It's hard waiting for the smoke to dissipate.  And even harder is picking through hot embers to find the pieces of resurrection.  The embers are so very hot, and the ashes are so very fragile.  Like it is darkest just before dawn, and coldest just after dawn, a phoenix in formation is so very fragile.  Reconstituting strength and confidence is serious business, serious magic.

Perhaps it is no surprise that my favorite ballet and some of my favorite music ever is and has always been Stravinsky's Firebird/L'oiseau de feu. Working on my most complicated re-creation ever...

Towers at the End of the World

Here is the story I told around the campfire at the End of the World festival.  Before I get to that, you all should know, strangers are welcomed warmly, there is whiskey, a fabulous bonfire, and story telling at the end of the world.  <3

Once upon a time... there was a woman -- as she was out walking one day, she saw across a field a tower.  She was seized with a desire to climb the tower, so off she strode across the field.  

As she walked, fear and self doubt joined her. "It's too tall a tower, you can't do it.  Why would you even want to try?  Who do you think you are anyway, climbing a tall tower like that?  This isn't your field, you know.  You are probably trespassing."  As she walked, and they harangued, she had a realization that all the gods, the goddesses, the heroes that walk into battle with fear and mayhem and chaos... they may not only bring those things with them to aid them in the battle, they may also be feeling these things in their own hearts.  She said to fear and self doubt, "You can come with me, but you're riding shotgun and you are to aid and abet MY interests now." They simmered down a little at that, having been recognized and allowed to accompany her.  Now and again at a bump or a dip in a field they'd pipe up though.

She reached the tower and went in.  At each step she took, she folded a tiny paper crane (one tiny crane goes on the fire).  Each 1:1.  Each team meeting.  Each meeting with a boss, with product and program managers (starting with handfuls of cranes on to the fire), each presentation, each company meeting, each meeting with directors, each meeting with vice presidents, each step all the way to the top of the tower.

At the top of the tower she stepped out into the air.  In the far away distance she could see another tower.  Or maybe it was a mountain, at this distance it was hard to tell.  Between here and there it was only fog.  She couldn't see the bottom of the tower over the edge, nor the lands that lay between her and the next tower.  

And then the staircase on the inside of the tower started crumbling.  As it fell, she realized she couldn't go back the way she came up.  And then the outside edges of the tower started crumbling.  She took a deep breath and stepped off the edge of the tower (all the rest of the cranes go on the fire at once).  It is unknown whether all the cranes set free eased her landing with the lightness of their wings, or whether, untethered, they flew off into the sky.  As she hit free fall, she sang her people's daily practice:

At the edge of the world, I gaze at the moon

Light and shadow reflect light and shadow.

My heartbeat is magic, mystery enfolds me,

As I am blessed, I bless the world.

Traveling Reflections

So, trying to process what just happened, as well as intermittent quiet moments on the bus thoughts, as well as tomorrow's re-entry to work world.  I feel like I need a 2-3 month sabbatical to get my thoughts and life sorted out.  
I'm back from Ireland.  We did a Rick Steves tour around the island. It hit so much, and there seemed to be more and more packed into each day until at the end, there was sometimes three or four days worth of things to do packed into a single day.  It was good, but somewhat intense.  E.g., Giant's Causeway, Bushmills, Carrick-A-Rede ropebridge, *and* Dunluce Castle all in one day?  And then there were days where we only did a few things (stop by Yeats' grave, walking tour of Derry's medieval wall & brief explanation of Northern Irelands "Troubles" OR the day we did both Titanic and had a quick drive past the "peace" wall in Belfast and through those areas), but which demanded more processing and reflection.  

Things that stand out in reflection -- 

• How close all the buildings are together.  And how close all the graves are too.  Sometimes things seem to be practically on top of each other, they're so close together.  
• How rocky and desolate the western part is.  There are places where people were building stone walls, just to put the rocks somewhere so they can clear some useful space.  And yet -- not lifeless-- there is life in those cracks.  In the Burren, in the grikes, the cracks between the rocks, there are plants happily growing away.  What at first glance seems to be totally barren, supports all kinds of life. It stretches so far that as you drive through, it's easy to forget that it isn't all rock and rock fences, so it's a bit of a surprise when it starts ending and hedgerows start appearing again.  
• And how the green is so green after the grey of the limestone.
• That people are ingenious in their ability & drive to find solutions that will allow them to live.  That they are likewise so ruthless in their drive to overcome both nature and people who might stand in their way in both the name of survival as well as in the name of ideology.
• ...

So much more to contemplate.  I went, sort of secretly hoping for an obvious message bringing clarity to come to me. I was so immersed in the ingestion of everything new and very close quarters (and little time for reflection) that openings for receiving clarifications and direction were not as available as I had hoped.  Still in the quieter moments, things did come through.  

I feel as though I have been on the brink of needed change for some time.  It is still unclear to me as to the nature of this change except that it concerns the need to find a way to be comfortable in my skin, a sense of economy of effort, at work.  My stress and focus is so high around my present way of being in relation to the work I do, that it cannot be sustained.  My ratio of effort to outcome is way too high.  And although on the surface, it may appear to be "the perfect job for me", I have a growing sense that it is not a good fit.  The complications start, as they do, when I try to identify what 'better fit' looks like.  

I (mostly) felt in my skin with a balanced economy of effort on vacation.  There were, of course, moments of tension, but five introverts living in close proximity will tend to generate some of that with the days going as they did. All things considered, it was remarkably smooth. 

How to keep beginner's mind, while assuming the mantle of authority?  How to create space for reflection and consideration in the face of immediacy?  How to accurately name and acknowledge emerging issues in such a way that they can be resolved without adding additional layers of complexity?  How many more questions in my head?

If I could make a living for a while with spinning & weaving, I would.  Alas, that math has not been conducive given my relatively slow pace of production (although ritual cord spun according to astrological and other specifications, with specific intent during the spinning, plying, and potential coloring? Prayer shawls woven similarly? Is an entertaining idea to consider on occasion).  But that's neither here nor there.   

Cannot process all things today... but looking for something that I can grasp as I return to the world of routine that has been less than optimal.   For today I take these things:

• Economy of effort.  Do not burn too hot, little fire, burn steady. 
• *Make* space for reflection and consideration, even in the face of immediacy.  
• Ask the beginner questions.  Beginner's mind is to be treasured.  

May Madrigals

As often happens with blogs, IRL has kept me busy this month. My life has changed, the repercussions yet to be determined.  I think it's all for the best.  It is hard for me to be both in action and reflective enough to support spending much time writing. Not that reflection hasn't been happening, reflection and processing have absolutely been happening, just that the written recording of those processes have not been happening.  The thought of how much writing that would have been is rather overwhelming!

In the meantime, the aspirants have had their ethics and warding/safety classes.  They went well. Nice group of folks.  I like the discussions.

We're almost at the mid-point of the year.  I've been joking with my boss that it's nearly the end of 2015 since the beginning of the year because time passes so quickly, and yet, here we are and the first half flew by, as it does.  Yeah, yeah -- barely a month until summer solstice, but that's a matter of days in quick succession.  The wheel turns faster and faster.

It's a thing, this wheel of time.  And sometimes all the things it contains are too big to find words for.  Silence does not indicate a lack of activity, but rather the opposite.

Queen Bees & Their Hives

So, I was talking through this with Yeshe Rabbit with whom I presented a class on ethics this past weekend.  As we were going through feedback, she said, "I think one area that you don't need to "improve" but might need permission to "enact" is in projecting confidence as a leader. You did great in being receptive and kind. You also deserve to know that you are allowed to "be in charge.”

This is part of why I'm doing the leadership workshops I'm doing -- to figure that piece of things out because It's A Thing.

Bees came up as an analogy — 

• I posited that Queen Bee is just another role in the hive (a pretty unique one, but a role that someone's got to fill none-the-less), 
• She countered that Queen Bee is a primary essential part of creating the “ground of bee-ing” for the hive (I love the concept of 'ground of bee-ing!), 
• I noted that hives can and do expel queens they don’t like and can raise & install new queens
• PROCESSING:
• Going from worker bee to queen is complicated: cannot approach from the side for validation from others as having done the right thing.  There is a queenly way to gather this feedback appropriately, and that’s something I need to figure out from essentially a hierarchical rather than lateral or serving space.
• Exposure and queen-ness as ‘just another role’ and one that I happen to be filling does not provide the internal source of validation and I am looking externally for validation.
•  Though leadership as service really resonates with me, I’m not sure it’s doing me a service right now, as it were, as I have been applying it as the concept of putting everyone else “first”. A woman hit on it during the workshop Sunday — she's in the military & she noted that they really drill into you ‘mission first, unit next, self at the bottom, supporting all the rest’.  And maybe that’s really effective for men (questionably, granted), but for women who have societal role of nurturer who are expected to put their needs last already and are taught to seek external verification/validation/approval often at the expense of their own authority…  I think I might need to own my big sister bossiness (in moderation, and if I may shift analogies for a moment) for a bit or something.
• The other piece that stuck out going back to the hive metaphor was that idea of the hive rejecting the queen or at least making her life really unpleasant by being unsupportive.  Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, BUT if the little girls aren’t happy, probably ain’t mama happy either… So there is some degree of need for acceptance in there as well, both of being ‘part of the hive’ but alsoof being the queen.
• And figuring out how to collaboratively create that functional ‘ground (or hive) of bee-ing’ while retaining the organizational role & responsibility accorded to being the queen and owning my decisions with internal validation (and accurate discernment & identification of when external validation is also appropriate).

Having brained it, the next trick I’ll have to figure out is in the appropriate embodiment of what that all means in vivo rather than in vitro (or caput).  As well as in figuring out where the analogy breaks down and iterating until the edges smooth out...

And now I’m going to go watch Eddie Izzard & his piece on bees again because aaaaaaaahhhhh beeeeeeeees!

On Leadership

"Leadership is not just required from people in leadership positions, it is required of every one. -- Katrina Messenger

Thursday was the first day of a course I'm taking called Mastering Leadership.  Ostensibly it's mostly work-related, but also kinda not.  The first video they showed was this one:
http://youtu.be/uAy6EawKKME. It's by Dwayne Dudly on Leadership Everywhere and you should go watch it because it's good.  You never know when you are going lead someone somewhere they didn't know they needed to go.

Much of the rest of the course will be about self-awareness, acting in accordance with that self-awareness with intention, and accountability.  For folks who are part of CAYA, this should sound like a familiar refrain.

We started with a minute of mindfulness.  A "check in".  I can't remember if there was a minute of reflection at the end, but there was a corresponding "check out".

In my practice, right action requires clarity of intent & accountability, at least to myself, often to many others.  I think this is going to be a good course.  And it is obvious that it will be applicable to so much more than just work.  The tricky dynamics of work will be where results are first and initially most powerfully observed, but, as leadership does, I have no doubt that it will appear elsewhere in my life as well.  Already I'm testing theories, and had a tentative confirmation of theory.

It seems a little orthogonal to what this blog is ostensibly about, but... not really.  CAYA's Ground of Being is Joyful Service.  A leader is just someone helping a bunch of people get to where they're going.  My other Joyful Service is in connecting people with the information they need to make changes in the world.  In their lives. In The World.  Librarianship is, I think, a calling as much as any other calling.  I do librarianship sort of in a background sort of way, by enabling access to electronic resources, and at this point I do that by leading and coordinating teams of people to assist in that end goal.

One of the early discussion points Thursday was about approach to life.  There are three ways you can approach life.  (There might be a humorous fourth, but it seemed a group serious about their participation and I didn't feel it would be appropriate to bring it up in the moment...).

• Do-Have-Be: I do this, so I can have that, so I can be something (being follows doing/having).
• Have-Do-Be: I have this, so I can do that, so I can be something (being follows having/doing).
• Be-Do-Have: I am something so I do this which brings me that (being provides what one does/has).
• (The fourth is Do-Be-Do-Be-Do & it's a song and a dance of a life).

I am ever so curious to see where this journey leads.  I am ever so curious to see what this year brings.

Elements of Style

j/k. If you're looking for Strunk and White, this is not that. At all.

The last class was about The Elements.  I love working with the elements.  We got our rain chains hung in time for the first good rainy day of the fall.  I love listening to the rain on the roof -- I miss it all summer.

I have been burning hot at work.  So much going on.  Today is 'development day' -- I will eventually settle into some work focused skills.  Or not as it turns out.

I need to find my ground again, time has been running away with me!

Refocus and direct my air qualities too.

All the directions and all the elements need balance.  Yes.  Yes, they do.

Such a haphazard post today.  As has life been lately...

Things I Can't Put Elsewhere

Recruitment coffee date to a place of employment other than my own presently, via a friend that works there -- she gave them my personal gmail rather than my professionalname@gmail account.  Very weird to be getting and managing a potential recruitment via the personal account!

Will be interesting to talk with them. I fit in a position that's half of one they have open, and half of a different one they have open.  My skills are super solid in the areas where I fit, but they'd still need folks to cover the other areas.  We'll see.  It's just coffee to gather more info about what exactly it is they're looking for to start with...

More On Ethics

"Happiness does not come from a job. It comes from knowing what you truly value, and behaving in a way that’s consistent with those beliefs.

Many people today resent the suggestion that they’re in charge of the way the feel. But trust me, Parker. Those people are mistaken. That was a big lesson from Dirty Jobs, and I learned it several hundred times before it stuck. What you do, who you’re with, and how you feel about the world around you, is completely up to you."

http://news.distractify.com/people/mike-rowe-crushes-a-mans-hopes-for-finding-a-dream-job-and-i-agree-with-him-100/?v=1

-- Mike Rowe