Collecting My Thoughts

Aaaaaand Bast came and fetched her home. 19.5 years was a very good run. 

Her actual full name was Vespula Beltane, as we got her at 4 weeks, which would have made her birthday around May 1.  So it's fitting that she come in as a witchy kitty & go out seasonally appropriately as well. 

I did my closing ritual with her this morning and put Bast in the West (Athena was like, yeah, not my trip, man, it's cool), and just as I was finishing, the sky lightened, the clouds broke in the west and there was blue sky for a little bit. It went back to grey after a bit, but that was a nice way for her to be welcomed home.

As a physicist somewhere would remind us, her energy is not gone, just less well organized. I will miss that weird little cat glowering at me every night during my bath.  It's so so so quiet tonight without this tiny, deaf, half blind, senile old lady cat who ruled our pride for nearly 20 years yelling about something randomly.  So quiet.

And I am both tremendously relieved that she's gone and miss her tremendously.  It was time, but nearly 20 years is such a time marker.  I look back at pictures of when she was young, and we were so young.  A lot happens in 20 years.  Truly the end of an era.  

Thank you for blessing us, little cat.

The Grand Dame during better times.

Loss & Grief

My nephew (husband's side of the family) committed suicide a week ago.  Almost 24 years to the date my aunt (my side of the family) did the same.

Here is what I'm thinking right now around things relevant to this particular blog.  

I think memorials and setting aside time for grieving with family and friends (blood, chosen, or otherwise) is critical for recognizing grief, celebrating a life even if it was too short, and processing loss.  

And I think it's important for our kids as I... I want them to see and experience the rip in the fabric of the universe that a suicide leaves as a preventive measure.  You never take that lightly again after you've seen a shattered community after something like this.  As much as I hate that this is a real thing that has happened, goddamn it, I think we should absorb the result as much as humanly possible and make the repercussions and difficulties of coping as human as possible because to do otherwise is to deny the full experience of the pain of losing someone in such an untimely way.  It's ok to show that this is difficult because it *is* fucking difficult.  And to see people appropriately grieving in the different ways that people grieve is also important.  It takes many forms and each person experiences it differently and that's also ok. 

I want them to understand that healing begins with us all coming together to alleviate the alone-ness: of what we feel in the moment of hearing the news. Of what he must have felt to not be able to reach out and find the help he needed.  Of the hole left in the universe where he used to be. 

I know our oldest has had some exposure to suicide by students attending her school in the last couple years, but this is new for our youngest and... to see and grieve and understand the repercussions to family and community and for them both to tell people they love that they love them and to hear that back and to take part in some of the only shared rituals that happen in this mostly secular society and a family that doesn't share ritual space often is...  It's really important.  It's part of what it means to be a part of a community, to have a connection to people.  You take part in the rituals that mark passage of both time and life both joyous and devastating.

-----------------------------

And so, for those reading along, say it out loud, right now:

"I promise to seek and find help if I feel like dying or killing myself.  I will find resources that bring me back from the brink, no matter how awkward it feels.  I will call one of these numbers:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- 1 (800) 273-8255
• Hopeline -- 1 (800) SUICIDE
•  Trans Lifeline -- US: (877) 565-8860 Canada: (877) 330-6366
•  My therapist
•  *A* therapist
•  My spiritual/pastoral advisor or other resource 
• Or any number of other resources, even if I have to Google them."

*Yes, I do not have comments open on this one. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers at this time, but for my own self-care, recognize I don't  feel like I can appropriately respond here at this time. Thanks for your understanding.

The Ancestors

Ancestor stuff is complicated, especially when one starts taking into account shadow sides, and recognizing them as whole, complex people.

On Death Rituals

We tend not to be an overly sentimental family.  We've waited months to bury cremated relatives, they aren't going anywhere, and we've had other things to attend to. Maybe sentimental isn't the right word.  There is a time and a place for all things, and while Death itself may be inconveniently timed, ritual around it unfolds as it needs to.

In the cases where we've waited, technology has made it possible for us to take care of the life stuff that continues until such time as we could make and hold appropriate space to recognize the passing.  It is more respectful, in some ways, than a rush to get the shell in the ground that sometimes happens.

Sometimes the ritual emphasizes the event of a life lived with a peaceful closure, often this is the case with those who have lived a full, long life.  Often for those who are cut short, while consciously attempting to emphasize the event of the life lived and peaceful closure, the unconscious impact is that of deepening the shock of life lost too soon. There is no way around this, and it can be handled better or worse, the processes will unfold as they do.

As part of this Graveyard Moon, M2 & I went and wandered about a cemetery. In order to get there, I drove past the one where my paternal grandparents are buried.  It was a moment of conflict for me, why?  My initial, impulse thought was, "They are not there."  Wait -- what?  What I gain from going and walking among the stones and the dead is more to re-ground, re-center.  Wandering out there, I can feel the hinkiness of the day-to-day miasma and cluttery energy drain out my heels.  The perspective that we are on this unlikely tiny blue planet for a blip in time and when it's done, only memories are carried by those you impact.

Ancestors

So we carry the memories of those who have impacted us forward. That which is remembered, lives.  I think it will take me some time to figure out how The Ancestors fit into my practice.  They are not where I turn for advice, or divination, or posthumous blessings, and yet it seems appropriate to remember the gifts they provided, through traits, experiences, etc, with gratitude and appreciation, while recognizing and acknowledging their potential shadow sides as well.

'... we therefore commit the body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust...'