I Commit

From Yeshe Rabbit: Ritual for Women's History Month (March)

http://yesherabbit.squarespace.com/way-of-the-rabbit-contemplation/2015/3/2/womens-history-month-ritual-can-you-commit-to-women

In addition to and in alignment with the ritual that Yeshe Rabbit has come up with, I have a couple of investments and commitments that I am making as well. I am towards the outer edges of introverted. In business astrology Meyers Briggs, I come up consistently IN, the last two letters are variations on TJ (most often) and FP (less often). In DiSC, I come up outer edge central C. None of these tend to be the majority in leadership positions, and yet here I am in my day to day. 

Big investment/commitment #1 (only in the sense that I'm talking about this first) is that I have signed up for a Mastering Leadership program to help me work through all the stuff that goes along with being a strong and intentional leader as well as give my career a kick it needs. I am also paying out of pocket for it which is sort of an oof and definitely a glad I have an annual bonus to pull that from!

Big commitment #2, I have long sort of suspected that I'm on that border where introversion meets social anxiety but also sort of worried that there are so many people with "real" issues that mine weren't really that bad... One of my coping habits is compulsive (obsessive?) info gathering and organization -- conveniently useful in my chosen field! A couple of long time friends are in clinical year/prep for final boards to become counselors, so I swallowed a lot of 'oh god, so awkward!' and talked to them as part of that info gathering coping. That in and of itself was a huge first step. I don't want to be defined by something like this. I've spent a big part of my life swallowing my fear and anxiety, trying to push myself to just do things anyway. It has often paid off well enough that I find it worth it to continue to challenge myself in this way -- see also: my first commitment above. Their unanimous advice after asking a bunch of questions was GO SEE YOUR PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER YESTERDAY. So that was an interesting response, I thought. I thought I "just" needed some tools to process through and modify thinking and behavioral patterns (and I don't think anyone would disagree), but apparently there can be a physiological component too. So, after sitting with things procrastinating like a mofo (avoidance being one of my less productive coping responses) for a couple weeks, today I made an appointment with my doctor, right after getting off the phone from doing the screening call for the leadership program.

I'm committing to take care of me. I've given so many women at work the advice that they *must* get the oxygen mask on for themselves prior to trying to get it on other people while at the same time finding myself masking (successfully and NOT) gasping for air as I try to navigate complicated and ambiguous passages with no air.  I committed about six months ago to stop bullying myself for not living up to my own impossibly high standards. I say weird things. I can't word or brain sometimes, to the point that one of the managers that reports to me and I have running jokes about it (he's got some similar but different stuff going on). Me and my monkey brain are still working on this, identifying triggers, and trying to be kind to myself when I recognize that something has set me off. Trying to remember that the stuff that I say that is so totally something only I would say is part of what I bring to the world in being a uniquely contributing human being.

I don't share this information about myself lightly. I don't want to be social anxiety girl. I don't want to build a community around me that gives me a pass because I'm terrified. I don't want to be terrified. I'm not a survivor because I'm not a victim. I am working towards an improved, more intentional me. I just have some shit to take care of and I have some human elements that I will always have and will always need to consider mitigation strategies for. I'm ok being an introvert, I need to transcend the anxiety stuff though.

This is big magic, complex alchemy. It is staring my shadow in the face, meeting it eye to eye and getting to know it so well that I can move from responding via reflex to making considered choices. This is the path to enlightenment. And every day, my commitment to myself is that I will chop the wood, carry the waters of self care. I will get my oxygen mask on first as best I can manage and then move on to tending to others. I will show myself compassion when the right words are hard to connect outside my brain moving a million miles a minute with my mouth that is too often struck dumb as if it isn't connected. And because I Will, I will. In Love: for myself, my community of women, for the world.
http://youtu.be/Lm38Ojh61lY

February's Silent Moon

Seems like forever.  Doesn't it always?

Random thoughts:

• We have moved from being Aspirants to Dedicants.  We'll meet later this month to talk about the upcoming year.  It was pretty well perfect with the usual attendant "whoops, we're online" glitches, taken in stride, as you do.  Hail to the Elements.
• Nike has been sweet to my girls.  Thank you Nike!
• The moon was so bright last night I wondered if I was going to be able to get to sleep.  I did, eventually.  But it was a beautiful night for Mother of the New Time and various other things that happened along those lines.
• From Yeshe Rabbit & CAYA:  We recognize February as the Silent Moon. How can we find silent time to restore and regenerate our enthusiasm for our lives/work/relationships? 
• So needed.  With crazy busy (and awesome) kids, this becomes ever more complicated until my little fledglings fly (which seems way closer than it should be for the oldest, and yet... here we are... two and a half years from it!).  I've been taking the time at night after everyone is in bed. After getting everyone to bed.  It makes for late nights, short nights, and hard mornings.  Mornings are hard enough, but... I need time.  Unwinding, just being, reading, letting things process on the back burner...  I'm a night owl by nature, so it's the easiest time for me.  But it's easy to drift in the evenings and not restore/regenerate.
  
  For now it will have to be grabbing bits and pieces as I come to them.  Weaving is nice, the rhythmic thunk as the heddles shift.  It goes so quickly with fabric scraps.  I may have enough of the little girl tights to do another floor mat.  The hardest part is setting up the loom, the warping of the thread, then dressing the loom with the warp, threading the heddles then slaying the reed.  Oof.  But then it's back to the thunk, shuttle, thunk, shuttle.  For the upcoming regional swim meet, I will probably start a new knitting project to take with me.  I have So Much Yarn in my freezer.  I used to try to make something as I spun fiber up, but I enjoy spinning most of all, and somehow got away from that idea.  And the possibilities with a loom are broader in terms of using old clothes to make new mat sorts of things.  But since I enjoy spinning, I need to use that up too.  ALL THE PROJECTS!  These things are restorative and regenerative for me.
  
  Also restorative/regenerative is journaling.  Sometimes.  Just getting it out.  I journal like I blog though -- sort of intermittently.  Cuing of things (like this) helps somewhat though. 
• Last night on our way home from dropping M2's friend off from their choir rehearsal, as we drove past the park on the hill, a fat happy bunny scooted across the road in front of us, causing the entire car of us to break out in coos of "aww, bunneh!  Go bunneh, go go go!  Look at the fuzzy little bunneh butt!  And the fuzzy little bunneh ears!  Bunnehhhhhhhh!"  Bunneh.  

And now to carry on.  I think that's the majority of the battle in finding the silent recovery/restorative/regenerative/rejuvinative spaces -- there's always something I *should* be doing... taking that language and recognizing it's often *could* be doing, and prioritizing the important silences and spaces in is critical for survival.

May Mother of the New Time

I dance at the edge of the world

Like my Ancestresses before me.

I am a sacred vessel.

My blood is indomitable.

Cradling the Now at my breast.

Nurturing the future unfolding.

There is nothing to fear.

I am a Mother of the New Time.

Mothers of the New Time