Writings from Writing From The Spirit Retreat

Stone meditation:

• The big soft-edged grey stone that called to me from the edge of the curb near the canal. It is a little bigger than my hand and so solid & grounding. Scraped from where the different tires had pushed it along the road & curb-sides.
• It called out to me, the perfect rock, perfect in its imperfections, holding it’s essence though under what seemed like less than optimal circumstances. It called out to me to take it home.
• It’s heaviness is grounding. So solid, brigs me back in the flurry of uncertainty -- that airy, drifting disconnect.
• It tells me secrets of the alchemists — it is not what goes into the crucible, that is the essence of the being. All the magic that happens in the crucible is possible because of the boundaries of the crucible. The boundaries keep the elements of magic within appropriate proximity to act and react and merge and separate. The crucible retains the boundaries and allows magic to happen within but it remains consistent at the end, whatever else has been going on.

It’s an alchemically philosophical rock!? Then again, it was the one that called to me to bring it home...

• The crucible is the vessel that carries, can be rinsed clean, and is what always remains.
• Through transformation, we can add things to our crucible, to our stone soup pot, to our vessels ourselves, but the transformations that stand up to time are the transformations that rinse us clean, back to our essential natures. “What is essential is invisible to the eye.” (St. Exupery).
• Transformation through the elimination and removal of our limiting beliefs. The false stories we tell ourselves about who we are, that sometimes we don’t even know are false. When we become wrapped up with having and doing rather than authentic being.
• The final message of the rock:
  Shed your limiting beliefs and transform by going back to that which is essential to your being.

Thank you, rock, for grounding me today and last fall. Thank you for reminding me that the essence of being is that which is immutable and that which remains when all else is washed away.

———

Writing for me is a practice of processing. Human beings are ‘sense makers’ (or at least some of us lean that way). We want to know why things happen. What just happened. What’s going to happen. Does it make sense? All of the religions in the world, all of the divination systems in the world, all of the beliefs in the world (limiting and freeing) are stories we tell ourselves to try to help us make sense of the world.

Sometimes the world is non-sensical. Things don’t always happen “for a reason” or the things that happen are incomprehensible. Sometimes we try to apply a framework to those stories that don’t fit, trying to make sense of them according to something that has helped us make sense before but is not appropriate now, and may not have been appropriate then. Sometimes that leads to more nonsense or guilt or harmful/not right action. Sometimes our frameworks require review and adaptation and correction.

I write to make sense. To take the strands and ends, the odds & sods that appear in my brain, and lay them out in front of me. To take the jumbled pieces and see what patterns appear in front of me. Sometimes my stories are correct and true, and sometimes they are colored by my perceptions and application of frameworks and my limited perspective. Sometimes I need to process as best I can to keep trying to move forward.

———

Alas, I missed the next writing exercise — life is what happens while you’re making other plans.

———

Yeshe Tsogyal writing meditation:

• Perfect memory — that memory that surfaces what needs to be surfaced, correctly in the correct moment.
• Bees bringing wisdom to and from the flowers.
• Watching the incense rise and curl in a sun beam, being and knowing in the moment.
• I’m sort of mesmerized and distracted by the curls of incense. The shades of blues and greys, twisting in the rays of the sun.

…

• She says,
  Being and knowing in the moment. It’s ok sometimes to just be. And know. Let it be.

On Leadership

"Leadership is not just required from people in leadership positions, it is required of every one. -- Katrina Messenger

Thursday was the first day of a course I'm taking called Mastering Leadership.  Ostensibly it's mostly work-related, but also kinda not.  The first video they showed was this one:
http://youtu.be/uAy6EawKKME. It's by Dwayne Dudly on Leadership Everywhere and you should go watch it because it's good.  You never know when you are going lead someone somewhere they didn't know they needed to go.

Much of the rest of the course will be about self-awareness, acting in accordance with that self-awareness with intention, and accountability.  For folks who are part of CAYA, this should sound like a familiar refrain.

We started with a minute of mindfulness.  A "check in".  I can't remember if there was a minute of reflection at the end, but there was a corresponding "check out".

In my practice, right action requires clarity of intent & accountability, at least to myself, often to many others.  I think this is going to be a good course.  And it is obvious that it will be applicable to so much more than just work.  The tricky dynamics of work will be where results are first and initially most powerfully observed, but, as leadership does, I have no doubt that it will appear elsewhere in my life as well.  Already I'm testing theories, and had a tentative confirmation of theory.

It seems a little orthogonal to what this blog is ostensibly about, but... not really.  CAYA's Ground of Being is Joyful Service.  A leader is just someone helping a bunch of people get to where they're going.  My other Joyful Service is in connecting people with the information they need to make changes in the world.  In their lives. In The World.  Librarianship is, I think, a calling as much as any other calling.  I do librarianship sort of in a background sort of way, by enabling access to electronic resources, and at this point I do that by leading and coordinating teams of people to assist in that end goal.

One of the early discussion points Thursday was about approach to life.  There are three ways you can approach life.  (There might be a humorous fourth, but it seemed a group serious about their participation and I didn't feel it would be appropriate to bring it up in the moment...).

• Do-Have-Be: I do this, so I can have that, so I can be something (being follows doing/having).
• Have-Do-Be: I have this, so I can do that, so I can be something (being follows having/doing).
• Be-Do-Have: I am something so I do this which brings me that (being provides what one does/has).
• (The fourth is Do-Be-Do-Be-Do & it's a song and a dance of a life).

I am ever so curious to see where this journey leads.  I am ever so curious to see what this year brings.

I Commit

From Yeshe Rabbit: Ritual for Women's History Month (March)

http://yesherabbit.squarespace.com/way-of-the-rabbit-contemplation/2015/3/2/womens-history-month-ritual-can-you-commit-to-women

In addition to and in alignment with the ritual that Yeshe Rabbit has come up with, I have a couple of investments and commitments that I am making as well. I am towards the outer edges of introverted. In business astrology Meyers Briggs, I come up consistently IN, the last two letters are variations on TJ (most often) and FP (less often). In DiSC, I come up outer edge central C. None of these tend to be the majority in leadership positions, and yet here I am in my day to day. 

Big investment/commitment #1 (only in the sense that I'm talking about this first) is that I have signed up for a Mastering Leadership program to help me work through all the stuff that goes along with being a strong and intentional leader as well as give my career a kick it needs. I am also paying out of pocket for it which is sort of an oof and definitely a glad I have an annual bonus to pull that from!

Big commitment #2, I have long sort of suspected that I'm on that border where introversion meets social anxiety but also sort of worried that there are so many people with "real" issues that mine weren't really that bad... One of my coping habits is compulsive (obsessive?) info gathering and organization -- conveniently useful in my chosen field! A couple of long time friends are in clinical year/prep for final boards to become counselors, so I swallowed a lot of 'oh god, so awkward!' and talked to them as part of that info gathering coping. That in and of itself was a huge first step. I don't want to be defined by something like this. I've spent a big part of my life swallowing my fear and anxiety, trying to push myself to just do things anyway. It has often paid off well enough that I find it worth it to continue to challenge myself in this way -- see also: my first commitment above. Their unanimous advice after asking a bunch of questions was GO SEE YOUR PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER YESTERDAY. So that was an interesting response, I thought. I thought I "just" needed some tools to process through and modify thinking and behavioral patterns (and I don't think anyone would disagree), but apparently there can be a physiological component too. So, after sitting with things procrastinating like a mofo (avoidance being one of my less productive coping responses) for a couple weeks, today I made an appointment with my doctor, right after getting off the phone from doing the screening call for the leadership program.

I'm committing to take care of me. I've given so many women at work the advice that they *must* get the oxygen mask on for themselves prior to trying to get it on other people while at the same time finding myself masking (successfully and NOT) gasping for air as I try to navigate complicated and ambiguous passages with no air.  I committed about six months ago to stop bullying myself for not living up to my own impossibly high standards. I say weird things. I can't word or brain sometimes, to the point that one of the managers that reports to me and I have running jokes about it (he's got some similar but different stuff going on). Me and my monkey brain are still working on this, identifying triggers, and trying to be kind to myself when I recognize that something has set me off. Trying to remember that the stuff that I say that is so totally something only I would say is part of what I bring to the world in being a uniquely contributing human being.

I don't share this information about myself lightly. I don't want to be social anxiety girl. I don't want to build a community around me that gives me a pass because I'm terrified. I don't want to be terrified. I'm not a survivor because I'm not a victim. I am working towards an improved, more intentional me. I just have some shit to take care of and I have some human elements that I will always have and will always need to consider mitigation strategies for. I'm ok being an introvert, I need to transcend the anxiety stuff though.

This is big magic, complex alchemy. It is staring my shadow in the face, meeting it eye to eye and getting to know it so well that I can move from responding via reflex to making considered choices. This is the path to enlightenment. And every day, my commitment to myself is that I will chop the wood, carry the waters of self care. I will get my oxygen mask on first as best I can manage and then move on to tending to others. I will show myself compassion when the right words are hard to connect outside my brain moving a million miles a minute with my mouth that is too often struck dumb as if it isn't connected. And because I Will, I will. In Love: for myself, my community of women, for the world.
http://youtu.be/Lm38Ojh61lY

February's Silent Moon

Seems like forever.  Doesn't it always?

Random thoughts:

• We have moved from being Aspirants to Dedicants.  We'll meet later this month to talk about the upcoming year.  It was pretty well perfect with the usual attendant "whoops, we're online" glitches, taken in stride, as you do.  Hail to the Elements.
• Nike has been sweet to my girls.  Thank you Nike!
• The moon was so bright last night I wondered if I was going to be able to get to sleep.  I did, eventually.  But it was a beautiful night for Mother of the New Time and various other things that happened along those lines.
• From Yeshe Rabbit & CAYA:  We recognize February as the Silent Moon. How can we find silent time to restore and regenerate our enthusiasm for our lives/work/relationships? 
• So needed.  With crazy busy (and awesome) kids, this becomes ever more complicated until my little fledglings fly (which seems way closer than it should be for the oldest, and yet... here we are... two and a half years from it!).  I've been taking the time at night after everyone is in bed. After getting everyone to bed.  It makes for late nights, short nights, and hard mornings.  Mornings are hard enough, but... I need time.  Unwinding, just being, reading, letting things process on the back burner...  I'm a night owl by nature, so it's the easiest time for me.  But it's easy to drift in the evenings and not restore/regenerate.
  
  For now it will have to be grabbing bits and pieces as I come to them.  Weaving is nice, the rhythmic thunk as the heddles shift.  It goes so quickly with fabric scraps.  I may have enough of the little girl tights to do another floor mat.  The hardest part is setting up the loom, the warping of the thread, then dressing the loom with the warp, threading the heddles then slaying the reed.  Oof.  But then it's back to the thunk, shuttle, thunk, shuttle.  For the upcoming regional swim meet, I will probably start a new knitting project to take with me.  I have So Much Yarn in my freezer.  I used to try to make something as I spun fiber up, but I enjoy spinning most of all, and somehow got away from that idea.  And the possibilities with a loom are broader in terms of using old clothes to make new mat sorts of things.  But since I enjoy spinning, I need to use that up too.  ALL THE PROJECTS!  These things are restorative and regenerative for me.
  
  Also restorative/regenerative is journaling.  Sometimes.  Just getting it out.  I journal like I blog though -- sort of intermittently.  Cuing of things (like this) helps somewhat though. 
• Last night on our way home from dropping M2's friend off from their choir rehearsal, as we drove past the park on the hill, a fat happy bunny scooted across the road in front of us, causing the entire car of us to break out in coos of "aww, bunneh!  Go bunneh, go go go!  Look at the fuzzy little bunneh butt!  And the fuzzy little bunneh ears!  Bunnehhhhhhhh!"  Bunneh.  

And now to carry on.  I think that's the majority of the battle in finding the silent recovery/restorative/regenerative/rejuvinative spaces -- there's always something I *should* be doing... taking that language and recognizing it's often *could* be doing, and prioritizing the important silences and spaces in is critical for survival.

Light and Hope

1.)  In the last aspirant session, we did a meditation on our allies through/of the elements.  All of them came out to say 'hi' as we explored.  When we got to the fifth element, spirit/service, the Raven Stealing the Sun, Moon, and Stars appeared for me.  In this story there is a man hoarding all light from the earth, and so everyone must live in darkness.  There are, of course, variant tales, sometimes Raven releases everything at once, sometimes the stars first, then the moon, then the sun.  The gist being that Raven releases sun, moon and stars, Light, for the benefit of all people and there is rejoicing.  There are all sorts of additional entertaining details too, as with all good stories (Raven was a white bird, but the sun burned him and now he's black like charcoal, and so many other trickster details of how he got access to the box, etc). But the key takeaway within the meditation for me, with Raven as my 'ally' was that I must not hoard my light, and I must help Raven release light where I find it whether that's my own light, or to help show someone else's light (e.g., bring to light contributions, etc), planning will likely be required in order to accomplish this.

2.)  The first CAYA full moon of 2015 women's circle ritual invite read:

In this ritual of yearning, we honor our yearning for knowledge, and for hope even in the face of painful facts. We welcome Pandora, whose vessel of knowledge was a considered a dangerous source of power. Knowledgeable women are dangerous women, it's true. Join us for an intimate, personal circle in which we share knowledge with one another, make offerings to She Who Knows, and receive gifts of knowledge from Pandora herself. 

Ah, another box that was "not supposed to be opened." And the result of someone stealing light/fire too!  Another box that has potential to deeply harm.  But another box too, with a gift.  A gift like Raven's gift, of light, that glimmer that shines in the dark corners when all seems lost and lights the way.  Hope.

3.)  The day after full moon, I returned to work after two full weeks off to news of layoffs in my organization.  None on my team affected, but people I know and have worked with and like (in cases where I knew them -- I assume I would like the ones I didn't know as well).    Today I awaken to news of big shooting in Paris, followed quickly by news of my childrens' school district being put on lockdown because of a reported gunman who threatened to shoot up all schools in the district. Editing to add, the bombing of NAACP in Colorado.

Welcome first full week of 2015, this is how it's going to be?

4.)  The challenge in each moment is to be present.  To be present and remember the message/s.  To be present and experience the mysteries.

Light and Hope.

Light and Hope:  May those who were laid off find new right livelihood quickly and easily and may it be better for them than what they were doing.

Light and Hope: “I’m alive. There is death all around me. Yes, I am there. The jihadists spared me.”* I am alive.  At the bottom of this box of horrors, light and hope shine in there being survivors.

Light and Hope: No one was hurt today in my children's school district.  And I hope no school, parent or child will ever go through that drill again, but light was shown on a solid procedure in place to handle such an emergency.

Light and Hope: That there are people looking critically at the news and what's making it out and what is not, and fearlessly bringing light to the stories not getting told, being left in the shadows despite profound importance, happening in our own backyards. That there are people who fight now and forever for Civil Rights.

Light and Hope. Light and Hope. Light and Hope.

In 2015, may we all find light and hope, whatever else we may encounter.

...

Footnotes:

1.) Two Raven Steals the Sun, Moon, and Stars stories:

• Raven Steals the Sun: Interview and Storytelling, American Indian Heritage Month 2013 Family Celebration of Tlingit Culture at the Smithsonian National Museum of the American Indian.:
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Yoz-VbepZU
• Raven Steals the Light: As told by Bill Reid: http://www.historymuseum.ca/cmc/exhibitions/aborig/reid/reid14e.shtml

2.) A Pandora story:

• Pandora:
  http://www.mlahanas.de/Greeks/Mythology/Pandora.html

4.*)  Quoted in the NYT, 1/7/14.

Grandmothers at Christmas

Had an interesting realization today as I was puttering about the kitchen making cookie dough -- while Halloween is about ancestors generally and those who have crossed over, Christmas is about my grandmothers in amongst the other shuffle of topics. And not so much veneration as honoring those very personal relationships and history. Like they'd both be sort of meh about the whole Halloween thing, but they almost can't resist looking in from wherever they're at because *Christmas*, y'know?

Considerations

I can't believe the calendar year is almost over.  It was approximately this time last year when J pinged me and said, 'hey, CAYA is doing an online thing, and based on some of our recent discussions, you might enjoy that.'  2013 Fall/early Winter was dreadful and I desperately needed something positive so on that like mayo on a polyester suit.  It has been such an incredible blessing all year long.  I have enjoyed it tremendously.

Yeshe Rabbit has asked us to consider some things, it may be early yet, but I wanted to start putting some thought into the questions she's asked back in October:

• Dedication ceremony (how might we do this thing together, online, probably late Jan/early Feb, which makes sense),
• What dedication means to us, what do we do now, where do we want to see this go
• Would we consider joining in facilitating next year's aspirants as well.

The easy one is the last one, I'd be happy to join in facilitating next year's aspirants.

The second bullet is obviously actually two things to consider.

• What does dedication mean to me?
  Dedication means not only that I've passed the first round of understanding how this group operates but that I agree to continue to abide by this approach.  It further means, I hope, that further and deeper exploration of approach opens as a possibility.  So many things with so much potential to explore [with room here to expand further on the concept of what it means to be dedicated into this tradition].  Which leads to...
• What do we do from here/where do we want to see this go?
  This is sort of tricky -- I guess something I'd like to know is, what happens next for the corporeally gathering dedicants after dedication?  What framework/s do/could next year look like?  I will need to consider & ponder & ask some questions.  I know I want to do more Explore All The Things!  MOAR PLZ, KTHANKS, but I'm not sure I have clarity beyond that...

Which leaves the actual dedication ceremony, the first is last, oroborous eating its tail... We may be starting this discussion, having taken the second part of the second question to the google hangout group...  Will continue later...

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