Thoughts on Grace

My word of the year to explore has been Grace.  I've always had problems with the word. It seems so... ephemeral. Like it means something but what it means has always been really vague to me.  It feels weird and abstract as a noun. As something you have. What is it that you have when you have grace?  

In terms of spirituality, grace is often spoken of as passive, as in being the passive subject receiving blessings not necessarily deserved. The granting action, however is not passive - it's an act of compassion. We are, I believe, called to both give and receive compassion in life. 

In terms of movement, you are said to 'have grace' when you move with elegant precision - when you move economically using neither more nor less strength/power than you need to in order to achieve your chosen goal. Another way I have come to think of this action is moving with accountability.  If action requires only a light touch, only use a light touch.  Sometimes action requires a heavy hand, do not use a light touch when a strong statement is required.  

Grace then is an action of compassionate accountability.  It is not compassionate to withhold accountability, and accountability does not require one to lack compassion.  They work hand in hand, and the balance of compassion and accountability is grace.

As I reflect on many recent events, I turn to Ma'at and ask for Her to hold us each, in all our very human humanity, in compassionate accountability.

CC0: ArtsyBee Pixabay

Liminality, Schrodinger’s Cat, and Dis/Integration

Originally posted at http://www.lepismatidae.net/blog/archives/1218. 

There is a lot I don’t write online anymore, for a lot of reasons.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with is that I’m very good at compartmentalizing. Who needs to see which Venn diagram of the pieces that comprise me. Who is allowed into one safe space, but not another. Having a rubric of ‘what do I gain from sharing this with this part of the diagram, where and who is likely to find a way to use this against me? And what is my plan of defense if I need one?’ And there is virtually no public safe space. What happens when it becomes too much to manage all those pieces of the Venn diagram. What if the pieces that used to provide structure are merging and blending? What if, as those compartment walls become exhausted, I/we were allowed to integrate them into our being instead of watching everything fall to pieces in disintegration?

When I tell a community that I am an invisible part of that they matter to me, even though some of the people that I am directing that message at and meaning, truly, from the tenderest parts of my heart are not allowed to see that part of my Venn diagram, and even though I suspect that due to other parts of my Venn diagram, I don’t actually matter to them… It’s sometimes a heavy weight to carry. The price for ‘appropriate’ compartmentalization.

And when through experience I know that it’s dangerous and terrifying to stand up, stand out, and that even when I do, the validity of my voice, my opinion is questioned and judged or outright ignored or not heard. And when despite the danger and terror of standing up and trying to stand out, I do try to stand up and stand out, I am still invisible until I am heard and shouted down or ignored until I no longer have a voice, or the will to keep speaking.  Whether that’s on a timeline where the algorithms bury me, or a business room where I can never find the right way to ‘show value’ (or maybe it’s that I’m in my 40s and no longer a young, fresh, face — there’s a reason that age discrimination laws exist, or maybe I just suck at ‘showing value’), there is an echoing loneliness.  And as an introvert, sometimes I find more company with the wind, and the rain, in the dirt, the whirring of a spinning wheel, the pieces of me you’ve never seen (to steal a line from someone else).

Where is the possibility for wholeness? Where is integration? Some days even keeping Venn diagram pieces of me showing up is exhausting. Bringing the whole puzzle to the table seems… illusory and dangerous.  I am so proud of my people with the loud and strong voices, the right words that come at the right time, in the right order, in the right framing, in their wholeness.  And for the rest of us, in the in-between places, it has to be ok to be in liminal spaces.  My heart aches, I am tired.

Am I too much for ‘living out loud’?  I don’t perceive myself as whole, and picking my pieces apart threatens the integrity of my being.  And being told I am too much for sharing what I do share — even now that I don’t share at the levels I used to share — tells me, my whole self is “valued,” but please keep it contained and quiet and you don’t need to talk about that and what kind of ‘value’ is that?  But pieces keep escaping from their compartments awkwardly, demanding to be said when they shouldn’t be said because there is so much not to say that sometimes they break their constraints.  And then sometimes, they wilt in the deafening silence having been said.

Doris Lessing wrote a book called The Golden Notebook about the fragmentation of self & society, and one woman’s attempts to overcome it eventually by trying to combine four different journals into one ‘golden notebook.’ These days, it might be called the ‘bullet journal.’  I have this space, I have another blog (or two), I have a notebook with therapy notes, a bullet journal, a general reflection journal, five DayOne journals, calendars… and others. What does the ‘whole self’ even mean when even in the best of times, I can only expect even those close to me to see a facet of myself?

There is no graceful way for me to end this. I am experiencing the breakdown of my compartments as integration of my whole self, and the fear remains of others picking over the pieces of those evolving compartments and leaving me doubtful, silenced, hurt and all of me present, but still in pieces.

More About The Ocean and Various Bits Of Homework

Food wasn't settling with me earlier and I'm not quite ready (and/or way past ready) for bed.

I'm having all the feels about the ocean and all the thoughts swirling around in my head.  The ocean, the edge of the world.  We drove through Olympia to get there.  The land south, but mostly west, of Olympia is so beautiful.  I remember my first week at Evergreen, first week away from my parents.  I didn't really know my roommates, maybe it was the first weekend?  Maybe it was the weekend before classes started?  I was feeling really overwhelmed and someone had mentioned that the ocean was only about an hour away.

I've always turned to driving when I need to get some space to think.  I used to intentionally drive around trying to get myself "lost", then come around to something that looked familiar and head home.  I don't get that sort if luxury with time any more.  I followed all the signs out to Ocean Shores.  When I got there, that first week of college, I saw horses, and thought that'd be fun, so I went for a ride on the beach.  The horse dragged it's feet going away from the temporary stall, as horses are wont to do.  It was a half hour ride.  It was just me, the horse, and the guy on his horse guiding.  We did a little trotting, a little cantering.  When we turned back, the horse was like, hell yeah, heading home and set off fast down the beach.  I didn't even care. I may have lost a stirrup at one point, but I think I got it back.

After that, we discovered Moclips up the beach a ways, the following year.  There were midnight trips to the beach just because we could, and it's amazing to be standing on the beach late at night.  I can't remember the last time I wore shoes on the ocean beaches.  Possibly only that first trip.  Even on trips in the middle of winter, no shoes.  The water is so cold that the feet numb up pretty quick, and then it doesn't matter.  I couldn't do that on the Salish Sea beaches, most of them -- barnacles, rocks, human detritus... I suppose eventually I might meet a piece of razor clam shell or broken glass out on the Pacific, or perhaps we'll get to a part of the beach that isn't sandy, and then I'll wear shoes... I guess.

Wading out into the water, salt water... Poseidon starts out at my ankles, splashes up my calves, edging ever up my legs.  He's cheeky, that one.  But only ever bodies of salt water that connect to the ocean.  I don't think I've ever met up with him in ponds and lakes.  Perhaps I've just never met a big enough lake...

Poseidon turned up for my warding and safety Shield exercise.  As did Athena.  There were, of course, some of the other usual suspects, but... I guess those two surprised me, and sort of didn't on retrospection.  Maybe it was in class, someone noted, 'pay attention to who shows up, those may be good candidates for building out other area of that relationship.'  Indeed... Athena has immediate resonance for many reasons, and circled through in multiple ways over time.  Poseidon, he's been a fairly playful tease, but... Dunno.  Especially given the relationship between him and Athena and it would seem women generally -- like a number of the other Olympians, not especially respectful of us, but perhaps there is something that requires further exploration nonetheless. We shall see.

Have always sort of thought of practices for these two having been sort of more official state type business than solitary, more personal practices.  Have not looked up Poseidon yet, but Athena (so far) seems largely spoken of in terms of the past.  Just means I have not looked far enough yet.

So I have started the shield.  I'm weaving it together night over night.  I am already glad of it, I have been too open to the world and it has been draining.

So many more thoughts swirling in my head.  So tired.  And as M1 says, "tomorrow morning -- it's A  Thing."  And a thing coming quickly at that.  And another full crazy week, with so much to do. Will try to take note here of what more comes of these thoughts.  But for now, I go feed stinky old lady cat and do my day end stuff.  And maybe I'll check my calendar and see if I could get away with sleeping in just a bit in the morning...

On Safety and Warding

I will likely need to come back to this.  CAYA has such a nice pragmatic approach to safety and warding.  I really appreciated the introduction to the concept of 'throwing shade' in terms of negative jabs at others, that kind of bitchy, gossipy, negging stuff that happens as being something that needs warding.  Makes total sense.  Lots I liked about Rabbit's presentation.

In class itself, we did a nice visualization to see/create our 'shields.'  I am sort of grappling with the idea that I don't have one cover-all, and what I need for work is very different for the ones I have outside work and how/do I integrate.  

I had two very strong images one of which blurred into the other, that of kaleidoscope with vivid colors and fractaling/fracturing of images (from my perspective looking out through it, not sure what that looks like trying to see in from it, but need to consider that and probably do some significant work there given my various roles), that eased into dappled sunlight through green leaves with blue sky...   

So many complex thoughts that I am not sure I'm at the point of articulating yet though I think ties pretty clearly into the faceting of self and social constructs merging into location/space-related stuff.  I can access kaleidoscope easily, here at work, but the location-based is significantly more industrial than anything so natural as dappled sunlight through leaves!  Sort of makes sense, in my head...  There will, I'm sure, be more thoughts as I continue to process the things I've been introduced to think through.