Liminality, Schrodinger’s Cat, and Dis/Integration

Originally posted at http://www.lepismatidae.net/blog/archives/1218. 

There is a lot I don’t write online anymore, for a lot of reasons.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with is that I’m very good at compartmentalizing. Who needs to see which Venn diagram of the pieces that comprise me. Who is allowed into one safe space, but not another. Having a rubric of ‘what do I gain from sharing this with this part of the diagram, where and who is likely to find a way to use this against me? And what is my plan of defense if I need one?’ And there is virtually no public safe space. What happens when it becomes too much to manage all those pieces of the Venn diagram. What if the pieces that used to provide structure are merging and blending? What if, as those compartment walls become exhausted, I/we were allowed to integrate them into our being instead of watching everything fall to pieces in disintegration?

When I tell a community that I am an invisible part of that they matter to me, even though some of the people that I am directing that message at and meaning, truly, from the tenderest parts of my heart are not allowed to see that part of my Venn diagram, and even though I suspect that due to other parts of my Venn diagram, I don’t actually matter to them… It’s sometimes a heavy weight to carry. The price for ‘appropriate’ compartmentalization.

And when through experience I know that it’s dangerous and terrifying to stand up, stand out, and that even when I do, the validity of my voice, my opinion is questioned and judged or outright ignored or not heard. And when despite the danger and terror of standing up and trying to stand out, I do try to stand up and stand out, I am still invisible until I am heard and shouted down or ignored until I no longer have a voice, or the will to keep speaking.  Whether that’s on a timeline where the algorithms bury me, or a business room where I can never find the right way to ‘show value’ (or maybe it’s that I’m in my 40s and no longer a young, fresh, face — there’s a reason that age discrimination laws exist, or maybe I just suck at ‘showing value’), there is an echoing loneliness.  And as an introvert, sometimes I find more company with the wind, and the rain, in the dirt, the whirring of a spinning wheel, the pieces of me you’ve never seen (to steal a line from someone else).

Where is the possibility for wholeness? Where is integration? Some days even keeping Venn diagram pieces of me showing up is exhausting. Bringing the whole puzzle to the table seems… illusory and dangerous.  I am so proud of my people with the loud and strong voices, the right words that come at the right time, in the right order, in the right framing, in their wholeness.  And for the rest of us, in the in-between places, it has to be ok to be in liminal spaces.  My heart aches, I am tired.

Am I too much for ‘living out loud’?  I don’t perceive myself as whole, and picking my pieces apart threatens the integrity of my being.  And being told I am too much for sharing what I do share — even now that I don’t share at the levels I used to share — tells me, my whole self is “valued,” but please keep it contained and quiet and you don’t need to talk about that and what kind of ‘value’ is that?  But pieces keep escaping from their compartments awkwardly, demanding to be said when they shouldn’t be said because there is so much not to say that sometimes they break their constraints.  And then sometimes, they wilt in the deafening silence having been said.

Doris Lessing wrote a book called The Golden Notebook about the fragmentation of self & society, and one woman’s attempts to overcome it eventually by trying to combine four different journals into one ‘golden notebook.’ These days, it might be called the ‘bullet journal.’  I have this space, I have another blog (or two), I have a notebook with therapy notes, a bullet journal, a general reflection journal, five DayOne journals, calendars… and others. What does the ‘whole self’ even mean when even in the best of times, I can only expect even those close to me to see a facet of myself?

There is no graceful way for me to end this. I am experiencing the breakdown of my compartments as integration of my whole self, and the fear remains of others picking over the pieces of those evolving compartments and leaving me doubtful, silenced, hurt and all of me present, but still in pieces.

L'Oiseau de Feu

As things often do, in retrospect it seems clear now that the cranes were not ever cranes, they were phoenixes, meant for the fire.  Their/my ashes are out there now, floating around re-congealing into something new.  There are about five new phoenixes starting to flutter about here and there...

What seems rare when people talk about burnout is the length of recovery time.  I feel a slow heat starting to burn again, but it is hard to tell if it's simmering embers of destructive burnout or the start of phoenix rising from the ashes.

I am very slowly finding pieces of myself.  I tend to rely on logic rather than feeling in assessing what comes next.  I am learning that logic only takes me so far and that means figuring out these things called feelings.  They're so complicated!   I have also relied on appreciation of things other people appreciate.  I appreciate the flavor peppers and onions bring to a dish, but I don't actually care for their texture much.  But when people rave on about some onion-y, pepper-y thing that they love, I say, 'yes, that sounds good!' despite the fact that I have no desire to eat it myself.  I am finding that I am curious and interested in all sorts of things, but articulating why I'm curious about something is elusive.  Sometimes I find it's because it's something someone else appreciates but is sort of like an onion to me, and sometimes I find that there is no why, it just is.  And sometimes the reason is clear, sometimes the reason is deeply layered.

And sometimes I find people holding space and pointing directions for a me that is not me.  "You would be, I see you, you should..." And as uncomfortable as I am in my skin now, the skin they would have me wear is often as ill fitting and not anything but the perception of a me they carry in their head.  And learning to discern their 'good idea' from a 'good idea for me.'

What I know is that recreating oneself, piece by piece, is exhausting work.  So many assumptions that must be challenged against 'is that me, or is that a piece of someone that I have adopted?' Or 'what do I feel about that?  And what's underneath that? And what's beneath even that? (Is it really turtles *alllllll* the way down?).'  And even when it becomes too much, and I just lie down, the echoes in my head are a wonderland of "Who ARE you?"

And some things are very very clear.  And some things are very very not clear.  It's hard waiting for the smoke to dissipate.  And even harder is picking through hot embers to find the pieces of resurrection.  The embers are so very hot, and the ashes are so very fragile.  Like it is darkest just before dawn, and coldest just after dawn, a phoenix in formation is so very fragile.  Reconstituting strength and confidence is serious business, serious magic.

Perhaps it is no surprise that my favorite ballet and some of my favorite music ever is and has always been Stravinsky's Firebird/L'oiseau de feu. Working on my most complicated re-creation ever...

Loss & Grief

My nephew (husband's side of the family) committed suicide a week ago.  Almost 24 years to the date my aunt (my side of the family) did the same.

Here is what I'm thinking right now around things relevant to this particular blog.  

I think memorials and setting aside time for grieving with family and friends (blood, chosen, or otherwise) is critical for recognizing grief, celebrating a life even if it was too short, and processing loss.  

And I think it's important for our kids as I... I want them to see and experience the rip in the fabric of the universe that a suicide leaves as a preventive measure.  You never take that lightly again after you've seen a shattered community after something like this.  As much as I hate that this is a real thing that has happened, goddamn it, I think we should absorb the result as much as humanly possible and make the repercussions and difficulties of coping as human as possible because to do otherwise is to deny the full experience of the pain of losing someone in such an untimely way.  It's ok to show that this is difficult because it *is* fucking difficult.  And to see people appropriately grieving in the different ways that people grieve is also important.  It takes many forms and each person experiences it differently and that's also ok. 

I want them to understand that healing begins with us all coming together to alleviate the alone-ness: of what we feel in the moment of hearing the news. Of what he must have felt to not be able to reach out and find the help he needed.  Of the hole left in the universe where he used to be. 

I know our oldest has had some exposure to suicide by students attending her school in the last couple years, but this is new for our youngest and... to see and grieve and understand the repercussions to family and community and for them both to tell people they love that they love them and to hear that back and to take part in some of the only shared rituals that happen in this mostly secular society and a family that doesn't share ritual space often is...  It's really important.  It's part of what it means to be a part of a community, to have a connection to people.  You take part in the rituals that mark passage of both time and life both joyous and devastating.

-----------------------------

And so, for those reading along, say it out loud, right now:

"I promise to seek and find help if I feel like dying or killing myself.  I will find resources that bring me back from the brink, no matter how awkward it feels.  I will call one of these numbers:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- 1 (800) 273-8255
• Hopeline -- 1 (800) SUICIDE
•  Trans Lifeline -- US: (877) 565-8860 Canada: (877) 330-6366
•  My therapist
•  *A* therapist
•  My spiritual/pastoral advisor or other resource 
• Or any number of other resources, even if I have to Google them."

*Yes, I do not have comments open on this one. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers at this time, but for my own self-care, recognize I don't  feel like I can appropriately respond here at this time. Thanks for your understanding.

Traveling Reflections

So, trying to process what just happened, as well as intermittent quiet moments on the bus thoughts, as well as tomorrow's re-entry to work world.  I feel like I need a 2-3 month sabbatical to get my thoughts and life sorted out.  
I'm back from Ireland.  We did a Rick Steves tour around the island. It hit so much, and there seemed to be more and more packed into each day until at the end, there was sometimes three or four days worth of things to do packed into a single day.  It was good, but somewhat intense.  E.g., Giant's Causeway, Bushmills, Carrick-A-Rede ropebridge, *and* Dunluce Castle all in one day?  And then there were days where we only did a few things (stop by Yeats' grave, walking tour of Derry's medieval wall & brief explanation of Northern Irelands "Troubles" OR the day we did both Titanic and had a quick drive past the "peace" wall in Belfast and through those areas), but which demanded more processing and reflection.  

Things that stand out in reflection -- 

• How close all the buildings are together.  And how close all the graves are too.  Sometimes things seem to be practically on top of each other, they're so close together.  
• How rocky and desolate the western part is.  There are places where people were building stone walls, just to put the rocks somewhere so they can clear some useful space.  And yet -- not lifeless-- there is life in those cracks.  In the Burren, in the grikes, the cracks between the rocks, there are plants happily growing away.  What at first glance seems to be totally barren, supports all kinds of life. It stretches so far that as you drive through, it's easy to forget that it isn't all rock and rock fences, so it's a bit of a surprise when it starts ending and hedgerows start appearing again.  
• And how the green is so green after the grey of the limestone.
• That people are ingenious in their ability & drive to find solutions that will allow them to live.  That they are likewise so ruthless in their drive to overcome both nature and people who might stand in their way in both the name of survival as well as in the name of ideology.
• ...

So much more to contemplate.  I went, sort of secretly hoping for an obvious message bringing clarity to come to me. I was so immersed in the ingestion of everything new and very close quarters (and little time for reflection) that openings for receiving clarifications and direction were not as available as I had hoped.  Still in the quieter moments, things did come through.  

I feel as though I have been on the brink of needed change for some time.  It is still unclear to me as to the nature of this change except that it concerns the need to find a way to be comfortable in my skin, a sense of economy of effort, at work.  My stress and focus is so high around my present way of being in relation to the work I do, that it cannot be sustained.  My ratio of effort to outcome is way too high.  And although on the surface, it may appear to be "the perfect job for me", I have a growing sense that it is not a good fit.  The complications start, as they do, when I try to identify what 'better fit' looks like.  

I (mostly) felt in my skin with a balanced economy of effort on vacation.  There were, of course, moments of tension, but five introverts living in close proximity will tend to generate some of that with the days going as they did. All things considered, it was remarkably smooth. 

How to keep beginner's mind, while assuming the mantle of authority?  How to create space for reflection and consideration in the face of immediacy?  How to accurately name and acknowledge emerging issues in such a way that they can be resolved without adding additional layers of complexity?  How many more questions in my head?

If I could make a living for a while with spinning & weaving, I would.  Alas, that math has not been conducive given my relatively slow pace of production (although ritual cord spun according to astrological and other specifications, with specific intent during the spinning, plying, and potential coloring? Prayer shawls woven similarly? Is an entertaining idea to consider on occasion).  But that's neither here nor there.   

Cannot process all things today... but looking for something that I can grasp as I return to the world of routine that has been less than optimal.   For today I take these things:

• Economy of effort.  Do not burn too hot, little fire, burn steady. 
• *Make* space for reflection and consideration, even in the face of immediacy.  
• Ask the beginner questions.  Beginner's mind is to be treasured.  

I Commit

From Yeshe Rabbit: Ritual for Women's History Month (March)

http://yesherabbit.squarespace.com/way-of-the-rabbit-contemplation/2015/3/2/womens-history-month-ritual-can-you-commit-to-women

In addition to and in alignment with the ritual that Yeshe Rabbit has come up with, I have a couple of investments and commitments that I am making as well. I am towards the outer edges of introverted. In business astrology Meyers Briggs, I come up consistently IN, the last two letters are variations on TJ (most often) and FP (less often). In DiSC, I come up outer edge central C. None of these tend to be the majority in leadership positions, and yet here I am in my day to day. 

Big investment/commitment #1 (only in the sense that I'm talking about this first) is that I have signed up for a Mastering Leadership program to help me work through all the stuff that goes along with being a strong and intentional leader as well as give my career a kick it needs. I am also paying out of pocket for it which is sort of an oof and definitely a glad I have an annual bonus to pull that from!

Big commitment #2, I have long sort of suspected that I'm on that border where introversion meets social anxiety but also sort of worried that there are so many people with "real" issues that mine weren't really that bad... One of my coping habits is compulsive (obsessive?) info gathering and organization -- conveniently useful in my chosen field! A couple of long time friends are in clinical year/prep for final boards to become counselors, so I swallowed a lot of 'oh god, so awkward!' and talked to them as part of that info gathering coping. That in and of itself was a huge first step. I don't want to be defined by something like this. I've spent a big part of my life swallowing my fear and anxiety, trying to push myself to just do things anyway. It has often paid off well enough that I find it worth it to continue to challenge myself in this way -- see also: my first commitment above. Their unanimous advice after asking a bunch of questions was GO SEE YOUR PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER YESTERDAY. So that was an interesting response, I thought. I thought I "just" needed some tools to process through and modify thinking and behavioral patterns (and I don't think anyone would disagree), but apparently there can be a physiological component too. So, after sitting with things procrastinating like a mofo (avoidance being one of my less productive coping responses) for a couple weeks, today I made an appointment with my doctor, right after getting off the phone from doing the screening call for the leadership program.

I'm committing to take care of me. I've given so many women at work the advice that they *must* get the oxygen mask on for themselves prior to trying to get it on other people while at the same time finding myself masking (successfully and NOT) gasping for air as I try to navigate complicated and ambiguous passages with no air.  I committed about six months ago to stop bullying myself for not living up to my own impossibly high standards. I say weird things. I can't word or brain sometimes, to the point that one of the managers that reports to me and I have running jokes about it (he's got some similar but different stuff going on). Me and my monkey brain are still working on this, identifying triggers, and trying to be kind to myself when I recognize that something has set me off. Trying to remember that the stuff that I say that is so totally something only I would say is part of what I bring to the world in being a uniquely contributing human being.

I don't share this information about myself lightly. I don't want to be social anxiety girl. I don't want to build a community around me that gives me a pass because I'm terrified. I don't want to be terrified. I'm not a survivor because I'm not a victim. I am working towards an improved, more intentional me. I just have some shit to take care of and I have some human elements that I will always have and will always need to consider mitigation strategies for. I'm ok being an introvert, I need to transcend the anxiety stuff though.

This is big magic, complex alchemy. It is staring my shadow in the face, meeting it eye to eye and getting to know it so well that I can move from responding via reflex to making considered choices. This is the path to enlightenment. And every day, my commitment to myself is that I will chop the wood, carry the waters of self care. I will get my oxygen mask on first as best I can manage and then move on to tending to others. I will show myself compassion when the right words are hard to connect outside my brain moving a million miles a minute with my mouth that is too often struck dumb as if it isn't connected. And because I Will, I will. In Love: for myself, my community of women, for the world.
http://youtu.be/Lm38Ojh61lY