I Commit

From Yeshe Rabbit: Ritual for Women's History Month (March)

http://yesherabbit.squarespace.com/way-of-the-rabbit-contemplation/2015/3/2/womens-history-month-ritual-can-you-commit-to-women

In addition to and in alignment with the ritual that Yeshe Rabbit has come up with, I have a couple of investments and commitments that I am making as well. I am towards the outer edges of introverted. In business astrology Meyers Briggs, I come up consistently IN, the last two letters are variations on TJ (most often) and FP (less often). In DiSC, I come up outer edge central C. None of these tend to be the majority in leadership positions, and yet here I am in my day to day. 

Big investment/commitment #1 (only in the sense that I'm talking about this first) is that I have signed up for a Mastering Leadership program to help me work through all the stuff that goes along with being a strong and intentional leader as well as give my career a kick it needs. I am also paying out of pocket for it which is sort of an oof and definitely a glad I have an annual bonus to pull that from!

Big commitment #2, I have long sort of suspected that I'm on that border where introversion meets social anxiety but also sort of worried that there are so many people with "real" issues that mine weren't really that bad... One of my coping habits is compulsive (obsessive?) info gathering and organization -- conveniently useful in my chosen field! A couple of long time friends are in clinical year/prep for final boards to become counselors, so I swallowed a lot of 'oh god, so awkward!' and talked to them as part of that info gathering coping. That in and of itself was a huge first step. I don't want to be defined by something like this. I've spent a big part of my life swallowing my fear and anxiety, trying to push myself to just do things anyway. It has often paid off well enough that I find it worth it to continue to challenge myself in this way -- see also: my first commitment above. Their unanimous advice after asking a bunch of questions was GO SEE YOUR PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER YESTERDAY. So that was an interesting response, I thought. I thought I "just" needed some tools to process through and modify thinking and behavioral patterns (and I don't think anyone would disagree), but apparently there can be a physiological component too. So, after sitting with things procrastinating like a mofo (avoidance being one of my less productive coping responses) for a couple weeks, today I made an appointment with my doctor, right after getting off the phone from doing the screening call for the leadership program.

I'm committing to take care of me. I've given so many women at work the advice that they *must* get the oxygen mask on for themselves prior to trying to get it on other people while at the same time finding myself masking (successfully and NOT) gasping for air as I try to navigate complicated and ambiguous passages with no air.  I committed about six months ago to stop bullying myself for not living up to my own impossibly high standards. I say weird things. I can't word or brain sometimes, to the point that one of the managers that reports to me and I have running jokes about it (he's got some similar but different stuff going on). Me and my monkey brain are still working on this, identifying triggers, and trying to be kind to myself when I recognize that something has set me off. Trying to remember that the stuff that I say that is so totally something only I would say is part of what I bring to the world in being a uniquely contributing human being.

I don't share this information about myself lightly. I don't want to be social anxiety girl. I don't want to build a community around me that gives me a pass because I'm terrified. I don't want to be terrified. I'm not a survivor because I'm not a victim. I am working towards an improved, more intentional me. I just have some shit to take care of and I have some human elements that I will always have and will always need to consider mitigation strategies for. I'm ok being an introvert, I need to transcend the anxiety stuff though.

This is big magic, complex alchemy. It is staring my shadow in the face, meeting it eye to eye and getting to know it so well that I can move from responding via reflex to making considered choices. This is the path to enlightenment. And every day, my commitment to myself is that I will chop the wood, carry the waters of self care. I will get my oxygen mask on first as best I can manage and then move on to tending to others. I will show myself compassion when the right words are hard to connect outside my brain moving a million miles a minute with my mouth that is too often struck dumb as if it isn't connected. And because I Will, I will. In Love: for myself, my community of women, for the world.
http://youtu.be/Lm38Ojh61lY

Considerations

I can't believe the calendar year is almost over.  It was approximately this time last year when J pinged me and said, 'hey, CAYA is doing an online thing, and based on some of our recent discussions, you might enjoy that.'  2013 Fall/early Winter was dreadful and I desperately needed something positive so on that like mayo on a polyester suit.  It has been such an incredible blessing all year long.  I have enjoyed it tremendously.

Yeshe Rabbit has asked us to consider some things, it may be early yet, but I wanted to start putting some thought into the questions she's asked back in October:

• Dedication ceremony (how might we do this thing together, online, probably late Jan/early Feb, which makes sense),
• What dedication means to us, what do we do now, where do we want to see this go
• Would we consider joining in facilitating next year's aspirants as well.

The easy one is the last one, I'd be happy to join in facilitating next year's aspirants.

The second bullet is obviously actually two things to consider.

• What does dedication mean to me?
  Dedication means not only that I've passed the first round of understanding how this group operates but that I agree to continue to abide by this approach.  It further means, I hope, that further and deeper exploration of approach opens as a possibility.  So many things with so much potential to explore [with room here to expand further on the concept of what it means to be dedicated into this tradition].  Which leads to...
• What do we do from here/where do we want to see this go?
  This is sort of tricky -- I guess something I'd like to know is, what happens next for the corporeally gathering dedicants after dedication?  What framework/s do/could next year look like?  I will need to consider & ponder & ask some questions.  I know I want to do more Explore All The Things!  MOAR PLZ, KTHANKS, but I'm not sure I have clarity beyond that...

Which leaves the actual dedication ceremony, the first is last, oroborous eating its tail... We may be starting this discussion, having taken the second part of the second question to the google hangout group...  Will continue later...

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Intention v. Motivation

Have been thinking a lot about the two lately, as gyro teacher updates on Orcas draws near, and as yet another year has passed and I have done no classes since last year, and not gone to Florida to get my certification taken care of.

As I was on my way to class yesterday -- to take, not teach, obviously -- it dawned on me that often I have plenty of motivation to do things, but I don't always have a clear intention that guides that motivation.  I know my motivation behind doing the teacher training:  I like learning, and  I like moving at a deep level, and I like sharing learning, and hearing what other folks who are learning and moving deep are learning/experiencing.  I have great motivation!  Curiosity!  But what I am doing, what I want to do, what I am going to do with all that once the motivation has carried me for a while, what my intention is in getting teacher training is... not clear.  I don't have the kind of space I would need in my head to take on teaching classes, much less realistically in my schedule.  So... curiosity is driving, and I guess my intention is simply the exploration and sharing of that curiosity.

I have been thinking of doing a 40 day yoga practice (might go longer, might not), and I've been procrastinating starting it.  Too tired or too many potential interruptions or am/can I mix in gyro & PT (yes, of course I can!) or lazy don't wannas or can't find something I want to do/or plan out a little ahead... Silliness.  But there it is.  In this case, I have intention, but not motivation.  Well, I even have motivation, it's just not yet sufficiently compelling, apparently.

Things will eventually sort themselves out. Or not.

Various Thoughts on Homework Questions

1.) Coven size -- benefits of a large coven is that the likelihood that you'll have enough people to make for a nice sized gathering for any particular even is better.  Also, folks can break into smaller 'affinity' groups for the smaller group experience (men/women, folks interested in specific areas, etc).  In my experience, a certain number of people are required to get and maintain a certain level of community momentum as well.  Drawbacks can be that it's more difficult to get to know everyone (sometimes even find conflicts with some).  With really huge groups, there is the possibility of getting lost in the crowd as well.

2.)  Jaina Bee and I have been friends since we were 16 and I'd been following along with her process here and elsewhere.  For a long time, this aspect of my life had slipped under.  We moved into new space and it's... there's a lot going on here, and I started feeling like it was time to dig out.  I was sort of mucking through a reintroduction, having lots of thoughts and questions, and when Jaina said, "hey, we're going to give distance aspirant a try", it seemed like the perfect thing to give the digging out a sense of focus and process.  Honestly, the distance  piece was a big piece of the draw for me.  Between kids and work, I haven't got a lot of social energy or going out and doing things space, but I'm a night owl and tend to find that when I have space for thinking and through stuff is after most reasonable people are asleep.  Also, initial forays into not nearly as well established attempts similarly made me think perhaps I would like to keep the 'safety net' of interaction online, at least initially.  Now I sort of wish y'all lived a lot nearer, but I like feeling connected to people all over the place too, so it's all good.  :)

3.)  I schedule my time commitments as soon as have confirmation, and often significantly ahead of that if I think something might be coming up.  Two kids with school events and swim team makes this imperative.  I am pretty rigid about keeping scheduled events -- I flex my weekly gyrokinesis class  once or more a month in part because I have teacher training and can (and should more regularly) do it on my own, and in order to fit CAYA in, that's the only way it was going to happen.  In the absence of pretty compelling reason, I will be where I say I'm going to be, if it makes it on to my calendar though.

4.)  Ritual -- Chrystal mentioned as part of ritual a potlatch that we both experienced at different times.  Potlatch in the big house was SUCH a formative experience for me. And listening to Bill and Carla and Karen's stories around the campfire, and the big canoes. I miss them all so much. Jaina and I bonded at sixteen on the Indian canoe trip, the canoe that was taken out by the ancient madrona branch a few years ago. I still sing a mangled version of either a canoeing song or it might be a lullaby that Karen taught us. Such a tremendous honor that Bill was given these dances to share with us all. Such an amazing experience.   I watched on the sidelines from 10-16, then participated in a couple when I was older.  Cedar burning still triggers really strong, good memories for me.  Deep soul food.  And the art of the coastal tribes too.  But ritual.  That was a huge summer ritual, between the dances, the canoes, the salmon baked traditionally staked up around pits of cedar bark.  There was the Sunday ritual of going to church (Lutheran) with my parents where I learned some sense of structured religious ritual, both in complex ritual, as well as how simple and stripped down the ritual could be and still be fairly profoundly meaningful.  Now I have my daily practice, parts done in the morning as soon as I'm coherent enough to remember where I am in the recitation and parts done in the evening as part of my getting ready for bed, cleaning off the day, sending love, best wishes and gratitude out, and checking in/grounding.  I do the Mothers of the New Time at full moon.  I clean and sweep with intent at new, and burn down the remains of candles that are too far gone for their candle holders in a big ceramic plant dish.  Sometimes I plan rituals, sometimes they happen spontaneously.  Sometimes daily acts (cooking, cleaning, etc) are ritual acts, and sometimes they're just getting stuff done...  Ritual is such a state of mind thing -- it sometimes seems anything in the right mind set can be ritual.