Observations

On a less personal and more observational note ~ So aside from being in the front row and a little bit nervous about that because the majority of the appropriate congregation ritual response was happening behind me, having a front row observation point for the (very Catholic) ceremony was really interesting from a theoretical perspective (brought up Lutheran, have identified as witch since the mid/late 80s).  Very hard, of course, from the personal perspective, I ended up sitting where it felt like the giant photo of my nephew at the front was looking right at me, which was very eery.  

But back to the theoreticals -- since we're talking about elements, in an effort to keep somewhat grounded, I was looking for how the elements appear in the ritual.  

Fire is obvious in the candles. And it being the Catholic church, of course they had the little place that probably has a name I don't know where you can light a candle.  Outside, there was a huge 'cave' with Mary, and there were candles you could light out there too.  M2 lit one out there, but was too nervous/teary eyed in the church to leave my side.  For context, this is all happening on the campus of a Jesuit university and everything that goes along with that.  So, there's fire.   

Fire and air mix with the charcoal and incense.  So, counting that as air, but the church was ginormous, so it also had a very airy feeling generally.  Lots of space.

Water too was relatively easy to find, in the water shaker thing, that probably has a name I don't know, as well as the holy water at the back of the church, baptismal font, etc.  

Earth stumped me for a bit, but then I saw all kinds of earth.  Marble, flowers (so many flowers)... Not so much "earthy" earth stuff as solid forms.  The altar was very solid appearing.  The architecture was very solid around the edges.  So that was a fascinating exercise. 

The priest did a good job of recognizing that there were a lot of non-Catholics present and explaining parts of the ceremony in a way that was both informative but that melded beautifully with the service itself. He did a really nice job of 'here is why and how we do this' providing context and meaning to something that might have been otherwise empty ritual.  "In the Catholic funerary tradition we bless the remains because all humans are special and sacred in God's eyes," etc. 

There is a deep deep beauty about much of it, but the layers of patriarchy & 'you are sinful and you should feel really really bad about it' that are present almost overwhelms any of the potential for joy around the life everlasting, the generosity of willing sacrifice and love, and the grace and appreciation of having those sins absolved.  It's quite a conflict to hold in oneself.  Two such disparate spaces to maintain -- 'I am not good enough, but I am so deeply loved that... I'm good enough'?   And perhaps that's a fundamentally necessary part of the mystery component of the personal gnosis of the Christian faith, the transformative core.  

I will likely be an observer of the Christian church for the rest of my life as the dominant religious paradigm of the larger social networks within which I live.  I cannot subscribe to the faith in good faith for more reasons than I wish to go into here.  I feel like my thoughts here are being left unresolved, like I should have a summary about what it means to be observing these things from the outside.  But I don't have the words to articulate it right now. Perhaps another time.

....

Perhaps it is this:  our challenge as spiritual people, whatever our non/denomonation, whatever our personal and community practice is, our challenge as priest/ess/ex (or dedicant, or aspirant), is to identify what is good, what is right, what is beautiful and with care and love incorporate the *essence* of what works (care and love preclude inappropriate appropriation -- the difference as the Dali Lama notes is that you *pick* a flower you like, you *water* a flower you love.  Just because you like something doesn't mean it's yours to practice...).  It may be beyond my capability to articulate this message of inclusion of The Good, while making clear the boundaries where Good becomes Bad -- but they're there.  There is a deep spiritual yearning, and it is the role of the priest/ess/ex to help guide people to and through that yearning.